Jul 27, 2017

life is working

I have just managed to save a decent amount of money for the first time ever. This medication has been a blessing. Watching my account and seeing things going well at work without it feeling like being at 24/7 panic stations internally is something I never thought I'd be able to do. I haven't had a day off sick in over a month. I don't think been able to say that before now over the course of my entire life. I have a long-term goal now that I'm slowly plodding toward, and things seem to actually be going in the direction that I want them to for once.

With a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, I'll own my own house in the next few years. I can keep things to myself without blurting them out and ruining things. I have stuff planned in the next little while that I'm really excited about, and I'm finally comfortable just keeping them peacefully to myself and to whoever else is involved in getting them into reality.

Idk, I mean that might not seem like much to some people, but I feel like I'm suddenly living out things that I could only dream about. I don't always feel like I'm rushing ahead to the next thing, and in the process fucking up everything in my wake. It's such a relief.

Giving myself the time to actually process things has helped a lot too. I have spent so much of my time pouring my heart and soul into others that I never really gave any of that time to myself. It's the most bizarre and wonderful thing ever to be able to take chunks out of my to-do lists and just fucking prioritise things. That probably sounds so goddamned boring but I've never been able to successfully do that sort of stuff. Life was jumping from one panicked rush to the next.

I've read that the closest a typical person can get to experiencing ADHD is to take speed, and then picture doing anything focused and non-impulsive while on it.......forever. And add to that trying to get even a single night of sleep without waking at least 8 times in the night. It seems pretty accurate. I spent so much time either restless, exhausted, sick, or short-fused. To make it worse, people just thought I was an asshole - so I lived it with almost no support or encouragement.

I just.....jesus christ is this how people have been living around me this whole time? How the hell did I even function before now?

To say I'm excited for the future is an understatement.

What else? Idk. I went back on the pill because fuck these shitty hormones ruining my other meds. So far it's okay. I feel a bit depressed but nothing even close to actual depression. I'm giving it a few more weeks, tracking to see how I'm feeling day-to-day, and I'll bin them if it starts looking like it's going to shit. My other meds may need to go up again, but that's kinda still expected. It's early days. Emotionally I'm functioning really well here, but later in the day I'm forgetful as fuck and lose about 3 hours of my night to what can only be accurately called "mystery YouTube adventures". At least I'm used to that. The amount of times I go back to check if doors are locked or lights are off is worth laughing at if not anything else, and it's because I genuinely don't remember doing them....but internally I don't feel like I'm dying anymore, and I forget things wayyyyy less than I did previously. I don't snap at people which is great. I can now be firm and direct with people when I need to be without feeling like I'm being irrational or that I'm going to magically ruin everything. I'm working on stuff for a business in my free time, that isn't just throwing money at a new thing each week without actually planning it out.

I have time for craft stuff! I'm teaching myself how to bind books this week and next, and trialling a few bullet journal designs that I'll give to friends with that skill. If it goes well, I'll make a few more and see what happens. I haven't had much time to work on my metalsmithing, but I'm more than halfway through cleaning and organising my workspace for it. That workspace has sat like that for a year and in the past fortnight I've cleaned and sorted through half of it. Having it organised will be a godsend to actually starting my craft, and it keeps it far enough away from the birds to keep them safe from any fumes.

My bigger plans are getting there, I can't say much at the moment (mostly I don't want to until I have actual realised plans) but in the next 12 months very big things are going to start happening and I'm really excited about that and happy to feel like I'm actually steering my own life for once.

I haven't been able to sail much in the past month because the weather has been a flurry of WIND and RAIN and even FUCK YOU HAIL and LIGHTNING, and that's not entirely conducive to a bunch of noobs hanging out on a yacht and trying to effectively Not DieTM in the ocean.

The kids at work are giving me life. Being able to plan the weeks that much better and properly space out admin time with kid time has meant that I can pour even more of my heart and soul into their craft and nature activities, and when they come up to me on the grounds and yell out my name and hug me I know they are having an amazing time at the service learning all of these new things and I'm just so happy for them. I've taught them how to shade and how to use glue to sew safely when they can't use needles on their own, and ways to invent new craft ideas from ideas and techniques you already have. We've baked twice this week and I remembered how to make these little figurines that I did when I was about 7 years old myself, so I set up an activity for it and they loved them. We went on nature walks to find natural materials to make mobiles out of. I'm a week ahead in my planning. I'm never a week ahead in my planning. Most importantly I'm teaching them about how important being kind is, and being understanding of others even in hard times. All that life stuff that is hard to teach goes so well at my work, because it's less rigid than a school environment....brb the dogs are out to pee and it has again started raining

....so yes. It's great being able to do all of the things I always wanted to do and still have time left over for myself. It's making me see what I want from life, where I've never really had a clue before now.

I was planning on sailing again this weekend, but the weather had other plans, so I'm catching up with an old friend here instead. I can't wait! I'm party planning for another mate in a couple of weeks and we are doing a crafternoon, and on Tuesday I have my first business meeting that isn't for somebody else.

I think I'm adulting. Better than that, I'm happy about it.

More to come soonish :)

In other news, my motherfucking parrot snuck into my fruit bowl and ate one of my bananas. The adorable turd. Living that paleo life, hunt-gathering my kitchen things.

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