Jul 23, 2017

Imbalance

When your period starts and for a day and a half beforehand completely negates your ADHD medication, and you know you're not losing it because there are so many accounts and records of this happening to adult women with ADHD. I was exhausted, miserable, and could barely focus yesterday. Despite giving all of my energy to trying to get things done, I couldn't get out of bed until 2pm and could only stomach one meal. I slept 10 hours overnight. I'm back to my old normal at the moment. If my brain could just do its fucking job and send the right chemicals to the right places, I'd really appreciate that. It's not fun sitting inside a machine that won't start properly when that machine is your own body. I don't have time for this garbage and it's too much for people to understand when I don't look any different to anyone else. It's like when your arm goes dead and you try to move it and nothing works properly; you can see it moving but you can't feel it yet. I try to get up and I'm awake, I can see everything I need to do but I can't get up. I eventually get there and I have to go back into the room three different times because I've forgotten to turn the heater off, or get my phone, or turn on the computer to play some music and try to pep myself into doing what I need to do for the day. But then three hours pass and I'm watching videos online. I know what I need to do but I don't get up. I finally get up and force myself to eat so that I can get the work done, but just cooking and eating exhausts me. I'm glad it was over a weekend, but I'm so angry as well. I never really realised this wasn't the same as other peoples' experiences with lack of motivation, or carelessness, or laziness. How would I even have that persepective?

Stupid shitty body. Oh well, at least I got some sort of bag of meat to drag around this earth for however long, but how different am I, really? Even our dietary requirements are different. Our motivation is wired differently. We prioritise differently. For our cohort compared to the general population, we have higher than average IQs. We have different circadian rhythms. Different default learning styles. Put me in an emergency situation and I can act calmly and react faster than anyone else. Put me on the hunt and I'll spot prey nobody else did. Put me in 2017 and I'm a fish out-of-water. How does someone with lifelong ADHD find a successful niche in a world that we have created around a capitalist framework that hasn't actually turned out to be a one-size-fits-all place? What if you're not most, and most don't see that as acceptable?

I feel like I'm an evolutionary step for a potential future that never eventuated. Mostly I feel lonely. How does all of this fit one-on-one? I can't stand the thought of settling with most of the people I meet. I'm just frustrated right now. What do I even want, and why is it not happening yet? I feel like my body just keeps asking that over and over, and I don't have answers for it.

Why does all of this sound anxious and sad when I type it out? I don't feel anxious or sad. I'm just feeling frustrated and curious. I'm happy and excited about what's to come, but right now I feel like my life day-to-day feels the same way the Centrelink hold music used to feel to listen to. Just waiting and waiting to finally do the stupid required thing you didn't want to do in the first place, all so you can get on with your life once you've hung up the phone. I'm ready for something new now. Why is moving and changing lifestyles and forming new relationships so drawn-out? I mean I know why, but ugh. I feel like I'm sitting here probably just looking like I'm chilling on the outside, and all I can think of are a million possibilities in my head, with no slowing down and no IRL resolution in the present.

Stupid fucking period. Quit fucking with my dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin levels. The last thing I even want is a kid right now. Useless biological process.

I mean QQ give me some chocolate and a heat pack and a chick flick. Right? Sure...

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