Jul 22, 2017

Boundaries

I've never really set limits on other peoples' time and involvement with me. Before recently, life was about holding onto whoever stuck and trying not to lose patience. I can feel that big things are changing now. I'm forming a sense of what I want to do with my life that doesn't change each week, and I'm finding that I'm more aware of what my own needs are as well. This puts me in an odd situation where I'm having to learn how to handle boundaries with others for the first real time very late in the game.

Improved focus has provided me with perspective that I didn't even know I was missing. This week has felt daunting because I feel that the choices in friends that I've made up until now have been more based on proximity or whatever sticks than mutual interests and ideals. What that has meant over the past month is that I'm in a place where spending a lot of time with the people I'd usually hang out with is making me uncomfortable, and I feel quite alone in contrast to not wanting to spend time with many of the friends that I do have.

People already in my life also have their views on who I am and what I'll allow fairly ingrained at this point, which is challenging. I've been faced with a fair amount of negative reaction in others, who aren't used to me putting my own needs before random catch-ups and added stress from others. I feel like I have a lot of people that have become used to taking from me. Taking my time and taking from my emotional reserves. Usually I'd jump at the opportunity to hang out or to talk at length about almost anything, even if I wasn't enjoying it. I've really struggled with what my own needs are. What has resulted in the past from this is that nothing I really need to do gets done, and I end up in emotional burnout, not really sure how I "suddenly" got there. Of course when you do nothing but give your time and emotional energy to people all the time, it's going to cause a reaction when you stop doing that. 

This isn't who I want to be anymore. The difference now is that I'm well enough to have a choice in it. This has been a hard week in terms of the social reality of my life up until this point. I never realised how much of an impact not setting strong boundaries was having on me, but it was making me very unhappy. It's scary, but I'm going to reach out to people who have those same interests and ideals now. It's going to mean being lonely for a while longer, but this is something I need to do so that I can be where I want to be and not where I have been.

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