Nov 4, 2017

Nausea

I may have pushed myself too hard today. Now I’m playing the fun game of try to pump your body full of electrolytes to stabilise your heart rate without throwing up. Fuck. Someone get me some ginger. This pretty much sucks.

Nov 2, 2017

WELP

God fucking dammit I officially have a crush. Why am I experiencing a feeling and how can I kill it with fire? So far I’ve tried drinking a scotch, to no avail. On the upside, there was scotch. Fuck.

Oct 29, 2017

Beautiful

I feel like I post so much doom and gloom in here. I don’t want to bother people irl with things that upset me and so I write. I want to share some good things too, because I’m rarely angry or sad, but when I am I tend to post in here. I’d been feeling kind of forgotten and sad and isolated because heaps of my friends have been sick or flat out since I moved, and I’ve spent a lot of time on bed rest wasting time thinking about it. Today was so nice. I was lucky to watch two of my close friends marry each other today in a lovely ceremony, and on top of that, the guy I’ve had a crush on for the best part of seven years was there and he’s single again. We have been meaning to date for years but always end up with someone else at the worst times. This is a little bit exciting! Either way he’s awesome and I got to catch up with him and a bunch of others I’ve really missed. It’s nice to be reminded that you’re not alone, it’s been a hard and isolating few months of illness. We are all already making plans for the next catch up. I’m just so happy for my friends today. What a beautiful day.

Oct 19, 2017

Fucking hell

Yeah, I just read through the past three months of posts. Holy shit. You can actually see through my writing that I’m falling the fuck apart, not sleeping, relying on sedatives to rest in between emotional breakdowns, and just hating myself more and more as the time wears on. Jesus fucking Christ. Well, I’m glad that’s over. Thanks for the almost heart attack wake up call body, I guess?

I would’ve walked into traffic if my heart hadn’t killed me first on that shit.

Misdiagnosis and three months of hell.

Things have been fucking hard. Ever feel like things are great when they are actually turning to shit? Yeah, try having a specialist misdiagnose you, pump you full of drugs, kill your mental health in the process, and nearly send you into cardiac arrest because he’s mistaken brain fog from the Hypermobility Syndrome you disclosed to him on day one for ADHD. My memory got worse. My focus got worse. I got super depressed. I didn’t get a good nights sleep in 3 months. Paramedics had to attend me because it turns out I wasn’t having panic attacks, I was losing my ability to move due to some fucked up catatonic state and having heart palpitations.

I haven’t been able to work, some days I haven’t been able to get out of bed. My resting heart rate still hasn’t fully recovered, but I’m at least no longer on those stupid meds, of which I was tried on two different ones before I pulled the plug and got referred to a better specialist. On top of that, my closest friend chose this moment to walk away from me for their own self-centred reasons. I have two words for you: stay gone. Maybe they aren’t sure who they are. JUSTIN, STAY GONE. I’d have never walked away from you during such a big time in life. I hope when you think about how quiet I went and if it was about you, that you also now think of the paramedics that were probably attending me at the time, the passing out, the vomiting from standing, and the inability to get out of bed I was going through.

If you EVER have a specialist tell you something is all in your head when you present with chronic fatigue symptoms and have a history of hypermobile joints and chronic pain, don’t let them touch you with drugs until they have checked your heart first. Things could’ve been much worse.

After dealing with a selfish cunt of a man walking out me on my birthday, getting golden staph, having my dog almost die and cost me $10,000 and then getting to a point where I was so severely fatigued that I was just working and sleeping, I let one specialist undermine my belief in myself and the first thing he thought he’d do was pump me full of amphetamines. I have never had worse focus, memory loss, and poor mental health than the three months that I was pumped full of vyvanse and dex. Having it end with paramedics and not undertakers was honestly just luck.

This is the last time that I ever let somebody try and dictate who I am to me. I know who the fuck I am. I am still embracing this year, fuck it. I’m alive. My dog is alive. I’m debt free. I’ve opened my own business. We got a fucking 42 foot yacht. Best of all, there were two absolute cunts in my life who were quite effectively kicking me while I was down with their own insecurities and chipping away at me for their own fucked up sexual gain. You can’t pay for how good it is to be rid of that toxic shit from your life. Also Matt, your beard was fucking rancid man.

If anyone needs me I’ll be with the people that stuck with me through thick and thin, and we’ll probably be popping bubbly on the open seas.....just so you can get the gossip right, you don’t have much else to talk about now. Xx


I’M FUCKING ALIVE! Despite all of this shit I’m alive. I’m gonna go celebrate, holy shit 2017.

Sep 5, 2017

Change and hard work

 I've spent the past few months working really hard and really not feeling at all fulfilled with what I've been sinking my time into. Support at work has left a lot to be desired, I've been working more hours than I'm paid to, and it's become very apparent that I don't agree with the direction that my job is taking me in. I've been relatively isolated at home too, it hasn't been the most wonderful combination of things.

I've made some huge life changes, as a result. It's scary to move away and take a risk to go in a totally new direction, but probably not as scary as stagnation. So, here we are. Here I go investing my time and savings in becoming self-made. Here I am moving house. Here I am about to leave a job with a company I've worked at for six years. Here's to the big, scary, exciting future ahead. Sometimes it really is time for a change.


Aug 27, 2017

Week from hell. Currently on the maximum dose of painkillers and sedatives I can take. Still in pain. Still awake. I hate being faced with the unknown. I just want to medicate until I'm out cold for like a day straight. Everything hurts and I can't relax. Please medicate me until the suffering stops. I can't deal with the demands on me right now and I've been in physical pain for days. Fuck all of this.

Knock me out until I'm dead if you have to, I'm sick of hurting.


Aug 22, 2017

Rough Patch

I've had a really challenging couple of days. Work has been making demands on me that go beyond my role and beyond what I think is fair, friends have been in and out of hospital, I've been having trouble sleeping, and I've been feeling very lonely. I've been taking on too much over the past couple of weeks, trying to be everything for everyone and letting myself down in the process. This month has seemed to be very calamity-ridden. Even when I saw my specialist yesterday, they were having a family emergency and had to leave. I felt that I should rush through things even in the time that is exclusively about focusing on my feelings and the improvement of my health, and it was something that couldn't really be helped. I don't expect people to be focused on me when they have loved ones being rushed to hospital. It was just very unfortunate timing, because I'd become burnt-out by yesterday, and this was my final place to go where I could try and improve that. Result: I took yesterday afternoon and today off, for myself.

Whenever I have a day like this, I go through so much self-hate and self-frustration to even make time for myself. I have to contend with not only being in a place where I can no longer cope, but being angry at myself for being there. I feel like it's not good enough. I guess it's not really something that I have a choice in. I do the best I can, and I need to accept that recognising when I need a break and actioning it is the best thing I can do to make sure that I keep being the supportive and happy person that is capable of not only helping others, but supporting myself. The past fortnight has seen me put in positions that would cause anyone to need a day off sick, so it's not something I'm going to just blindly allow myself to self-hate over, but it's where I naturally go and that is an exhausting challenge.

I need to stop staying up late at night every night to talk people through personal struggles, because after two weeks of 5 hours sleep a night, I'm not okay. I'm also not okay after two weeks of not scheduling any downtime that is just for me into my planning. Putting my needs first when I need to is an ongoing battle between my basic needs to function and my tattered self-worth. It's something that's difficult to see for what it is, because for so long I have protected myself by putting on this really strong facade of being a real hard-ass. I have to make a real effort to recognise my own needs as valid.

My time today has seen me thinking hard about relationships and loneliness and how I feel around others. A lot of the time I feel so worthless. So often I feel hated and unwanted. The other day I left a voicemail for someone where I gave them an opportunity to do something that I know is a really attractive prospect even beyond just the standard hanging out with a friend, and they didn't even bother to call back or say thank you. I felt like shit. I can't even be seen as someone that a person I like would be excited to hang out with if I dangle basically a solid gold carrot in front of them. I'm not even worth the text message. I have another mate who hasn't even bothered to talk to me in about three weeks, but continues to watch my every move on social media. I feel that people either use me for a source of entertainment, or go out of their way to avoid me. It really hurts. Beyond that, I'm getting really angry. I go so far out of my way for people, and at best sometimes I'm met with apathy. That's a really shitty way to treat people. I'm actually really pissed off about it. I'm so sick of others' disingenuous behaviours. I know that I have ADHD, but I really do go out of my way to be a good friend and make time for the people in my life. When people treat me as if I'm less than them and/or not worthy of their time or even acknowledgement, that's not something I've done wrong. That's just shitty behaviour.

I'll be honest, I'm fed up this week. I'm sad, and lonely, and sick of people treating me poorly. It's affected me so much that I'm off sick. I didn't ask to be different, I'm doing the best that I can, and I'm sick of being treated like a carnival attraction. I might have my challenges, but I still consider myself a complete and independent person who is worth something. Despite my challenges, I have strengths that go way beyond what some people believe I'm capable of, and I'm sick of feeling like I have to say that. I'm sick of feeling anxious to talk to people because it might end in yet another load of social exclusion that for some bone-headed reason people don't think I can't see. If you're going out of your way to create distance between us or doing some other less-than-favourable thing behind my back, believe me I can see it. I have always seen it. I'm just at a loss with what to do about it, while dealing with the hurt I've felt as a result of it, and trying not to blame myself based on who I am as a person for it. Just so anyone who has done this to me before knows, I absolutely care about you. I absolutely can see that I'm being excluded. The reason you don't hear about it until I'm really furious about it from my end is because until that time, I'm behind closed doors beating myself up for it.

I'm working hard on breaking these habits now. This is the sort of thing that I have attempted suicide over in the past and when I really look at it, it's a whole lot more about people being unaccepting and selfish than it is about me being not enough, or odd enough to be a source of entertainment. Having time to deal with these feelings is bittersweet. Today has given me a chance to process things, but I've also been on the verge of tears because I feel so isolated. Sometimes people really don't get me, and that's just a fact I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, while I try really hard not to lose my patience and make things worse by getting upset at others about it.

It just fucking sucks. I'd really like to feel like I was appreciated by more of the people I make an effort with. I make an effort with people because I genuinely care about them. Having people that you care about just kind-of shrug you off or politely avoid you (at best) is the sort of thing that slowly destroys you over the course of your life. I feel so lonely right now.

How do you chose between feeling isolated and being around people that make you feel alone? It fucking sucks. For what it's worth, I'm not putting this out there to shame or attack anyone, I just want someone to understand the absolute hell I'm feeling right now because I don't really know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm exhausted and I try really hard. I still feel really lonely far too often than is healthy. I don't want to end up depressed again. I don't want to lose my independence and become a burden on others because the loneliness and anxiety surrounding ADHD has got to me again. I'm sick of going it alone and I'm having a really hard day today. I feel like people just think I'm some asshole making excuses because I can be so bright and organised in short bursts, but I'm really lonely, and I'm really struggling here. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a little more hope. I didn't plan on spending the day away from work and in tears alone in my house.

Probably related*: https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-how-to-treat-it-alongside-adhd/

*MAOIs cause life-threatening, serious side-effects in me, trust me when I tell you I've been down that route.

Aug 16, 2017

Enough

Today I ran an hour and a half long meeting with people I not only respect, but look up to. Then I came home and my car registration bill had arrived. I was expecting it to arrive. I'd put the money aside already. I paid the bill before it even hit the fridge, and left a note on the bill so I knew it was paid, in case I forgot. Then I went to bed and cried, because for my entire adult life, every time my car registration was due it had come seemingly out of nowhere, almost made me homeless, and resulted in me borrowing money from others who would then attack me for not acting like an adult and angrily demand to know why I'd been so selfish and irresponsible with my money. Then I freaked out that I couldn't have done it, and that I must've forgotten to pay my rent, because there's no way I'd saved the money to pay my car registration. I've already paid my rent. This is the first time in my adult life that I've ever been able to pay my registration without being made to feel like an asshole, a failure, or that I've had a real risk of homelessness as a result of it.

I'm so overwhelmed right now. These are things that seem so simple to people around me, but they have made me hate myself and feel terrified of what might come of me for years. I hope this isn't fleeting. Please let this treatment be the one that keeps me capable of living a somewhat normal life without so much fear and self blame.

I guess things were pretty bad, when you cry over being able to focus enough to get your bills paid on time. I feel like I'm overjoyed and mourning the past 30 incredibly difficult years simultaneously.


Aug 15, 2017

Motivation

So this week I have learned that having a few drinks on a Sunday afternoon with friends not only makes me feel hungover for two days, but it partially writes off my medication. I feel like I got nothing done yesterday. I am super unmotivated today. I chased coffee with my medication and I swear to god, I could still go down for a three hour nap right now. I'm sad, moody and grumpy for no real reason. Suddenly eating nothing but junk food when I've been generally avoiding a lot of preservatives and over-the-top food additives for the past couple of months probably (definitely) didn't help either. It's Tuesday and I still feel like I'm dying, welp. I guess I have learned a lesson here, haha. Urgh.

I've been wondering whether or not to write here anymore, just because I'm a little uncomfortable about who some of the readers might be. I was put in a position by a friend where I felt really uncomfortable, set some boundaries and distanced myself, and now they've gone cold on me, which to be honest is probably for the best, at least for a while after how they behaved. My viewer stats on here fairly strongly suggest they're sitting on the sidelines reading this, yet they don't actually talk to me directly. The same thing was going on with snapchat, and I felt pretty gross about that so I weeded them out of there. I'm not sure, I mean I'd like to live my life without worrying about these things, but it' a little insidious. On top of that, I know the last long-term friend they had a falling out with is someone they talk really badly about now and that's uncomfortable. I mean that person might well be a bad person (or not, that's not the point here), but it takes a certain kind of person to go out of their way to talk badly every time they are brought up. It's a thought that is anxiety provoking when I already have enough to contend with socially. I think overall though, if people are going to stalk and then avoid me when it comes to direct communication, they will probably do that no matter what I do. That's their problem a lot more than mine. I'm enjoying writing in here and I think it's something constructive now that generally reminds me that on the whole I'm making positive steps forward, hanging around some pretty awesome people, and trying some pretty fun and creative things. For now it can stay. I don't want to spend an entire post focusing on this stuff, so I'm going to reflect on some more productive things now.

My leatherwork has become really streamlined, with a bit of consistent work. I can knock out a custom made bullet journal now in about an hour or two, and that's pretty good going, considering I'm hand cutting and punching the paper and leather. I'm really happy about having sourced this batch of leather from a resource recycling centre too. The quality is really good, and it's not a bad trade-off in terms of ethics. I mean sure, it's still coming from a cow, but it's offcuts that would've otherwise gone to waste, sourced from a not-for-profit organisation that positively impacts recycling capabilities in the local community. There's something wholesome about sourcing materials to create craft and art items from more renewable and local resources. I'm excited to see what else I can find.

My weekend was pretty good too. I'm still having pain issues due to the sublux in my SI joint and the other one that's playing up around one of the facet joints in my neck, but I only had one day where I really needed painkillers and rest. I managed to get to the boat on Saturday, and then catch up with an old friend and have a look at a house that evening. Things are slowly falling into place. Sunday was spent making new friends and celebrating old ones. One of the people at the surprise party that I threw put in a huge amount of effort with the birthday cake for my friend, and it was really nice to be around such a creative and caring group of people. In the past things have felt a little forced when I've hung around others that are creative and planning-focused. It's as if we've butted heads and been looking at the same challenges from completely different moral viewpoints. This time around, with this group of people, it just clicked. Things were peaceful and relaxed. I feel like that's a rare and valuable thing to have in your life, it was nice to feel a sense of inclusion and belonging. I think being firmer with people and pickier about who I'm hanging around is starting to pay off. It's a challenge to get the courage up to set boundaries, but it seems to be well worth it so far. I've spent far too many years of my life trying to please the wrong people.

Tomorrow I have a pretty exciting meeting to try and positively change the lives of university students by analysing and improving the way in which support is provided to them, with some pretty "up there" people. People keep asking me if I'm nervous, but I'm actually really excited. I don't think I really have much to lose coming from my current angle, and I have the potential to affect positive change that helps others. You can't really ask for much more than that. I really need to do a little more research, and prepare a little better for the meeting, so I think it's time for a shower and getting out of my morning work uniform. Medication and coffee is slowly but surely kicking in, by the time I'm out of the shower and dressed I'm hoping to be a powerhouse and get it done. I have just over three hours to get that together, apply for a few more jobs, do the mountain of folding I've been putting off, and feed the animals before I'm back to work again. I'm really keen for tomorrow, it's not often that I get a legitimate day off mid-week, and meeting with people who can really influence change on a large scale is an opportunity that I haven't had before. All because I took a chance and plucked up the courage to write a letter to someone high up, wanting to take my own tough experiences and turn them into something that helps others. I think I'd have been to anxious to try it before now, I've learned a lot about opportunity in taking a different approach this time.

I've also finally got back in touch with a very old friend this week, after far too long apart. A part of me was telling myself to stay angry and distance myself, but sometimes I will concede defeat on sticking to my convictions. I think in this case, accommodations can be made. Plus, I've really missed them. After my meeting I'll be dropping by to see them, and to be honest I think I'm more nervous about that than the meeting. It's been so long and so much has changed. I've had a lot of people lately that I just look at and ask "Why am I letting you into my life?" They're people I wouldn't have even thought that way about before now, but when you're not sick and exhausted all day every day, you can pick up on a lot more. I can reflect on how people make me feel now, and decide if those feelings are positive or negative things for my wellbeing. Seeing someone who is a huge part of my life and in some ways my identity now, after so much has happened, is daunting. Am I going to find a whole lot of red flags that I'd previously missed, or will it be okay? Will I get that closeness and sense of normality back with our friendship? These are things that are more likely to keep me up at night than business opportunities. It's probably counter-intuitive that that's the case, but it's just how I feel. Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm not a particularly "feely" person. Perhaps this is a rare case of me actually consciously giving my feelings credit, where usually I'd be more focused on the black-and-white. This is probably too far too much of a thought experiment for my blog. Time to continue these thoughts in the shower, and while getting on with my day. Hopefully I'll feel less ill tomorrow. Oh well, self-inflicted!

Please excuse all of the run-on sentences in this entry, it's been a bumpy couple of days and I'm pretty much getting everything down before it pops out of my head again.


Aug 7, 2017

Progress

I feel good about how today went. I saw a friend, I saw family, and I actually did things that I wanted to do with my weekend. It's currently midnight and sure tomorrow is gonna suck a little, but I'm excited about things, and I finally made my bullet journal which will actually make my life easier and was also really fun to do.


So...I hung out with a mate, and my medication was actually behaving itself enough that I could function and have fun and actually have some okay conversation and I actually really enjoyed myself. I also made 3 really yummy loaves of brioche, so dad got one, my mate got one, and I have a good loaf of bread for the week. Then I watched a few videos, talked business, and played with some pretty cool video hardware. Exciting things are coming up on the horizon there. I talked editing software with dad, had a yummy dinner, and got into my printing, cutting, leatherwork, binding and painting. It was absolutely amazing to carry a project through from start to finish, and I have this really beautiful product now as a result that really is a perfect combination of everything I need. The only thing I really want to add to it is a cover design, using some of the leather engaving skills I've been researching over the past week. I'm so, SO keen for that.

I have a couple of mates that are wired fairly similarly to me that have had birthdays come up or are coming up shortly too, so as an added bonus I have leftovers enough to sink my teeth into making some custom bullet journals from first principles with my new-found skills. I'm actually stupidly happy about all of this, and can't wait to try more things. It's so refreshing to be starting to spend time around people that are doers like me.


This weekend also meant the one-year anniversary of the parrot meet up group I'm involved with, which was a refreshing change from the hermit weekends I've been having for the past couple of weeks. I caught up with good friends that I'd missed, and spent time with beautiful and intelligent animals. I love birds so, so much. We have so much to learn from finding ways to communicate with creatures that are all-at-once so different and so similar to us. I've also been recognised on one of my social media channels this weekend by both Commander Holly and HowToADHD. This could really help me with the things I have planned down-the-line, and to be honest it's actually just a big happy-place thing for me too. I spend so much of my time feeling like I'm getting nowhere that I've aimed to be, and feeling isolated and different from the people around me. Little things like that are a glimmer of hope that I'm moving things in the right direction, and that's really exciting when I'm coming from a place that has been very tough a lot of the time. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend.

Aug 4, 2017

Distractions

So this week we learned just how upset I can get if I'm consistently distracted by some asshole who wants access to the property to do maintenance work, but doesn't first get proof of approval for the work to be done. No dude, I'm not going to let you in here unless you have a reason to be here that is okayed by the right people, you're literally a stranger on my doorstep with no prior warning or appointment. Give me fucking strength. It's hard enough staying on-task without having some random guy come and pester you in your home for two days straight. I'm hoping I've got it sorted now and he can do his work and then go away, never to be seen again. I'm getting super frustrated with the amount of spanners in the works when I'm honestly just trying to do really big things here in my own life. Oh well. I'm doing the best I can.

I got an interesting message today, so it's not all bad news. I might have an opportunity on the horizon, simply because I had the courage to put my hand up about something. We will see where it leads I guess. Bear with me today, as I'm pretty short-fused as a result of being pushed and provoked too much this morning. On a positive note, I had started to really feel like shit this week, and I think I've at least resolved that with my specialist. I wonder what it's like to wake up in the morning and have your body do what it's told without having to do all of this extra work? Idk, I mean I guess I don't care so much, but it would be nice if those that did wake up like that could not assume that everyone wakes up that way. I'm rambling. I'll get to my point.

Despite constant struggles and challenges this week, I'm still on the right path and there are a few good opportunities on my horizon, which may end up being fruitful with a bit of perseverance and a hell of a lot of luck. Here's hoping.

I'm honestly looking forward to the weekend for once. I've felt so down and unmotivated this week, I'm crossing my fingers that will lift over the weekend and allow me to keep going with my goals. Plus, I have a few meet-ups here and there to look forward to.

There's a million other things on my mind, but not much else is relevant, so I'll leave it out. I'm wondering about a few things with friends and where that will go, but I think things are on-track for now. I can't wait for this stage of my life to be better resolved and be at my next checkpoint for things achieved. There's so much going on right now in general with work, the house, just everything. I want less talk and more action!

Aug 2, 2017

Twins and such

Well, I didn't physically do much today, but it has been productive. I may have found an opportunity for something I've been hunting for over the past month, so fingers crossed. Organising things has slowed down a little this week, as my body is playing up and dealing me some pretty unhelpful chronic pain symptoms. It's been a bit of a weird one, as I have been chatting to my doppelganger, who has been experiencing very similar things. Pray for us both I suppose!

I'm not sure what else to write today. Things are sort-of slowly and smoothly coming together with minimal fallout. Some of the social side of things are still a bit up-in-the-air, but it's not something that's bothering me, and I'm so busy sorting out other things in my life that it's actually not too much of an issue right now. I'm struggling a lot with motivation, but that's because I've been in pain all week, leaving me tired and lethargic. I have a right SI joint out and a right facet joint in my neck playing up as well, so I'm getting all of the fun shooting pains in my neck, down my arm, in my hip, in my back, and down one leg. Whatever though. I have work to do.

Speaking of, I need to get dressed for my afternoon shift, so I guess this is kind-of it for this post. I don't really have much to say. When I do, I guess I'll be back here.

Jul 27, 2017

life is working

I have just managed to save a decent amount of money for the first time ever. This medication has been a blessing. Watching my account and seeing things going well at work without it feeling like being at 24/7 panic stations internally is something I never thought I'd be able to do. I haven't had a day off sick in over a month. I don't think been able to say that before now over the course of my entire life. I have a long-term goal now that I'm slowly plodding toward, and things seem to actually be going in the direction that I want them to for once.

With a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, I'll own my own house in the next few years. I can keep things to myself without blurting them out and ruining things. I have stuff planned in the next little while that I'm really excited about, and I'm finally comfortable just keeping them peacefully to myself and to whoever else is involved in getting them into reality.


Idk, I mean that might not seem like much to some people, but I feel like I'm suddenly living out things that I could only dream about. I don't always feel like I'm rushing ahead to the next thing, and in the process fucking up everything in my wake. It's such a relief.

Giving myself the time to actually process things has helped a lot too. I have spent so much of my time pouring my heart and soul into others that I never really gave any of that time to myself. It's the most bizarre and wonderful thing ever to be able to take chunks out of my to-do lists and just fucking prioritise things. That probably sounds so goddamned boring but I've never been able to successfully do that sort of stuff. Life was jumping from one panicked rush to the next.

I've read that the closest a typical person can get to experiencing ADHD is to take speed, and then picture doing anything focused and non-impulsive while on it.......forever. And add to that trying to get even a single night of sleep without waking at least 8 times in the night. It seems pretty accurate. I spent so much time either restless, exhausted, sick, or short-fused. To make it worse, people just thought I was an asshole - so I lived it with almost no support or encouragement.

I just.....jesus christ is this how people have been living around me this whole time? How the hell did I even function before now?


To say I'm excited for the future is an understatement.

What else? Idk. I went back on the pill because fuck these shitty hormones ruining my other meds. So far it's okay. I feel a bit depressed but nothing even close to actual depression. I'm giving it a few more weeks, tracking to see how I'm feeling day-to-day, and I'll bin them if it starts looking like it's going to shit. My other meds may need to go up again, but that's kinda still expected. It's early days. Emotionally I'm functioning really well here, but later in the day I'm forgetful as fuck and lose about 3 hours of my night to what can only be accurately called "mystery YouTube adventures". At least I'm used to that. The amount of times I go back to check if doors are locked or lights are off is worth laughing at if not anything else, and it's because I genuinely don't remember doing them....but internally I don't feel like I'm dying anymore, and I forget things wayyyyy less than I did previously. I don't snap at people which is great. I can now be firm and direct with people when I need to be without feeling like I'm being irrational or that I'm going to magically ruin everything. I'm working on stuff for a business in my free time, that isn't just throwing money at a new thing each week without actually planning it out.

I have time for craft stuff! I'm teaching myself how to bind books this week and next, and trialling a few bullet journal designs that I'll give to friends with that skill. If it goes well, I'll make a few more and see what happens. I haven't had much time to work on my metalsmithing, but I'm more than halfway through cleaning and organising my workspace for it. That workspace has sat like that for a year and in the past fortnight I've cleaned and sorted through half of it. Having it organised will be a godsend to actually starting my craft, and it keeps it far enough away from the birds to keep them safe from any fumes.


My bigger plans are getting there, I can't say much at the moment (mostly I don't want to until I have actual realised plans) but in the next 12 months very big things are going to start happening and I'm really excited about that and happy to feel like I'm actually steering my own life for once.

I haven't been able to sail much in the past month because the weather has been a flurry of WIND and RAIN and even FUCK YOU HAIL and LIGHTNING, and that's not entirely conducive to a bunch of noobs hanging out on a yacht and trying to effectively Not DieTM in the ocean.


The kids at work are giving me life. Being able to plan the weeks that much better and properly space out admin time with kid time has meant that I can pour even more of my heart and soul into their craft and nature activities, and when they come up to me on the grounds and yell out my name and hug me I know they are having an amazing time at the service learning all of these new things and I'm just so happy for them. I've taught them how to shade and how to use glue to sew safely when they can't use needles on their own, and ways to invent new craft ideas from ideas and techniques you already have. We've baked twice this week and I remembered how to make these little figurines that I did when I was about 7 years old myself, so I set up an activity for it and they loved them. We went on nature walks to find natural materials to make mobiles out of. I'm a week ahead in my planning. I'm never a week ahead in my planning. Most importantly I'm teaching them about how important being kind is, and being understanding of others even in hard times. All that life stuff that is hard to teach goes so well at my work, because it's less rigid than a school environment....brb the dogs are out to pee and it has again started raining


....so yes. It's great being able to do all of the things I always wanted to do and still have time left over for myself. It's making me see what I want from life, where I've never really had a clue before now.

I was planning on sailing again this weekend, but the weather had other plans, so I'm catching up with an old friend here instead. I can't wait! I'm party planning for another mate in a couple of weeks and we are doing a crafternoon, and on Tuesday I have my first business meeting that isn't for somebody else.

I think I'm adulting. Better than that, I'm happy about it.

More to come soonish :)


In other news, my motherfucking parrot snuck into my fruit bowl and ate one of my bananas. The adorable turd. Living that paleo life, hunt-gathering my kitchen things.



Jul 23, 2017

Imbalance

When your period starts and for a day and a half beforehand completely negates your ADHD medication, and you know you're not losing it because there are so many accounts and records of this happening to adult women with ADHD. I was exhausted, miserable, and could barely focus yesterday. Despite giving all of my energy to trying to get things done, I couldn't get out of bed until 2pm and could only stomach one meal. I slept 10 hours overnight. I'm back to my old normal at the moment. If my brain could just do its fucking job and send the right chemicals to the right places, I'd really appreciate that. It's not fun sitting inside a machine that won't start properly when that machine is your own body. I don't have time for this garbage and it's too much for people to understand when I don't look any different to anyone else. It's like when your arm goes dead and you try to move it and nothing works properly; you can see it moving but you can't feel it yet. I try to get up and I'm awake, I can see everything I need to do but I can't get up. I eventually get there and I have to go back into the room three different times because I've forgotten to turn the heater off, or get my phone, or turn on the computer to play some music and try to pep myself into doing what I need to do for the day. But then three hours pass and I'm watching videos online. I know what I need to do but I don't get up. I finally get up and force myself to eat so that I can get the work done, but just cooking and eating exhausts me. I'm glad it was over a weekend, but I'm so angry as well. I never really realised this wasn't the same as other peoples' experiences with lack of motivation, or carelessness, or laziness. How would I even have that persepective?

Stupid shitty body. Oh well, at least I got some sort of bag of meat to drag around this earth for however long, but how different am I, really? Even our dietary requirements are different. Our motivation is wired differently. We prioritise differently. For our cohort compared to the general population, we have higher than average IQs. We have different circadian rhythms. Different default learning styles. Put me in an emergency situation and I can act calmly and react faster than anyone else. Put me on the hunt and I'll spot prey nobody else did. Put me in 2017 and I'm a fish out-of-water. How does someone with lifelong ADHD find a successful niche in a world that we have created around a capitalist framework that hasn't actually turned out to be a one-size-fits-all place? What if you're not most, and most don't see that as acceptable?

I feel like I'm an evolutionary step for a potential future that never eventuated. Mostly I feel lonely. How does all of this fit one-on-one? I can't stand the thought of settling with most of the people I meet. I'm just frustrated right now. What do I even want, and why is it not happening yet? I feel like my body just keeps asking that over and over, and I don't have answers for it.

Why does all of this sound anxious and sad when I type it out? I don't feel anxious or sad. I'm just feeling frustrated and curious. I'm happy and excited about what's to come, but right now I feel like my life day-to-day feels the same way the Centrelink hold music used to feel to listen to. Just waiting and waiting to finally do the stupid required thing you didn't want to do in the first place, all so you can get on with your life once you've hung up the phone. I'm ready for something new now. Why is moving and changing lifestyles and forming new relationships so drawn-out? I mean I know why, but ugh. I feel like I'm sitting here probably just looking like I'm chilling on the outside, and all I can think of are a million possibilities in my head, with no slowing down and no IRL resolution in the present.

Stupid fucking period. Quit fucking with my dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin levels. The last thing I even want is a kid right now. Useless biological process.

I mean QQ give me some chocolate and a heat pack and a chick flick. Right? Sure...

Jul 22, 2017

Boundaries

I've never really set limits on other peoples' time and involvement with me. Before recently, life was about holding onto whoever stuck and trying not to lose patience. I can feel that big things are changing now. I'm forming a sense of what I want to do with my life that doesn't change each week, and I'm finding that I'm more aware of what my own needs are as well. This puts me in an odd situation where I'm having to learn how to handle boundaries with others for the first real time very late in the game.

Improved focus has provided me with perspective that I didn't even know I was missing. This week has felt daunting because I feel that the choices in friends that I've made up until now have been more based on proximity or whatever sticks than mutual interests and ideals. What that has meant over the past month is that I'm in a place where spending a lot of time with the people I'd usually hang out with is making me uncomfortable, and I feel quite alone in contrast to not wanting to spend time with many of the friends that I do have.

People already in my life also have their views on who I am and what I'll allow fairly ingrained at this point, which is challenging. I've been faced with a fair amount of negative reaction in others, who aren't used to me putting my own needs before random catch-ups and added stress from others. I feel like I have a lot of people that have become used to taking from me. Taking my time and taking from my emotional reserves. Usually I'd jump at the opportunity to hang out or to talk at length about almost anything, even if I wasn't enjoying it. I've really struggled with what my own needs are. What has resulted in the past from this is that nothing I really need to do gets done, and I end up in emotional burnout, not really sure how I "suddenly" got there. Of course when you do nothing but give your time and emotional energy to people all the time, it's going to cause a reaction when you stop doing that. 

This isn't who I want to be anymore. The difference now is that I'm well enough to have a choice in it. This has been a hard week in terms of the social reality of my life up until this point. I never realised how much of an impact not setting strong boundaries was having on me, but it was making me very unhappy. It's scary, but I'm going to reach out to people who have those same interests and ideals now. It's going to mean being lonely for a while longer, but this is something I need to do so that I can be where I want to be and not where I have been.

Jul 17, 2017

Stigma.

I can't be bothered trying to explain yet again how bad the stigma is for ADHD, particularly in adult women...or how it's not a personality flaw, it's not a fake disorder, the medication isn't something that has negative long or short term outcomes, and I'm not dangerous, faking, lazy, uncaring or immature. It wouldn't mean anything coming from me anyway. That's the nature of stigma. This article rang too true. Let a peer-reviewed article do the damned work instead.

Stigma and ADHD.

Jul 16, 2017

Hiatus

You. Yes you, fictional reader on the internet. You're probably wondering what ever happened here, with three years passing and not a word (if anyone still reads this). I'm not being self-depreciating, I just honestly have no idea if they do anymore. This is an aside. I never really know how to start posts, but at least I'm starting one. Hi.

During the week of my last post, I had a huge emotional meltdown because I was really badly beaten up about an ADHD diagnosis. There is so much stigma surrounding ADHD, and pretty much everything that exists as a layman's idea of what ADHD is in Western society, or at least in the social circles I was in then didn't even come close to lining up with my lived symptoms and were mostly derogatory.

The diagnosis was a kick when I was down, and when I did go on medication, it was fast-release stuff that heightened my anxiety - at a time when everyone around me either talked about me in hushed tones while they thought I wasn't noticing, or they had this great diet I could try instead of drugs, or ADHD isn't real, or weed cured all of my illnesses you should try it, or have you tried going vegan? Have you tried cutting out sulphites from your diet? Have you tried removing food additives?

It felt like people were trying their hardest to make sure that this really wasn't what was wrong with me, it might be something much more palatable. I felt so fucked up. I felt like I was a joke and a failure. There were those people, and there were the people that just stopped inviting me out, and began to treat me like I had two heads. My ability to focus while on medication was much better, but it wasn't quite right yet, and I'd be doing better at uni but super anxious and sleepless on medication as well. Honours was hugely stressful. I had teachers telling me not to bother. I had friends who just let me stay isolated because I was too much, too concerned with their own social wins and how things "looked". I had lots of other health issues at the time, it was easy to write this all off and just bury my head under the covers.

Somehow I got through honours and moved the hell away from the people who had made things harder that year. Then I had a few years from hell, where I had deaths in the family and all manner of things happen at once. There was no room or time to think about why I was getting sicker, I kind-of blinked and I was in 2017 and living on the other side of the city, using every shred of my waning energy to get to work each day so that I could afford to pay the bills.

My memory was shot. I was so anxious and depressed that I barely left the house unless I had to, and that was at the best of times. I got so sick that my liver started to malfunction for a while there and my bloodwork was all over the place, my blood pressure was a mess, I was sleeping at least 13 hours a day and still exhausted through my every waking hour. I had a suicide plan in case things got any worse than they were. The people who had hurt me and who I'd pushed away found their way back in and made things harder in my life, once I was isolated in a new town, I'd had relatives pass away all-at-once, and I was at my most fragile. It's been a hell of a few years.

Over the past few months I've gone past being miserable about the concept of ADHD as a potential diagnosis, and into full-blown desperation to find anything that would help me as my body kept steadily shutting down and the bills kept constantly coming in. Government support was hopeless, almost completely unavailable to me, and frankly demoralising. I'd found myself on the other side of the city and away from any solid support network. I didn't know what to do anymore, I was at my wit's end and didn't feel that I could even really talk to people, I couldn't focus and at my worst moments, I struggled with selective mutism and getting words out at all was not possible when I needed to most. I went back to my specialist, after three years.

We tried something new to treat ADHD and it just kind-of clicked. I've spent a month and a half reorganising the absolute mess that my life was in, that I hadn't seemed to notice had fallen by the wayside. I stopped being so tired. My anxiety all but left the building. I took the components of my suicide plan out of my medicine cabinet and threw them in the bin. I started to be able to communicate clearly with people about what I was going through, and better yet move past it. I started listening to the right people, and walking away from the wrong ones.

So that was it. That was my hiatus. I do have ADHD. It's not something I talk about with everyone, and it's nothing like what you'd expect. At. All. I worked really hard in therapy and got through my PTSD last year, but I was still really sick. Some things you can't hide from.

In case anyone else out there is struggling with a diagnosis and feels like the medical industry has taken an approach with them of just diagnosing everything until something sticks at the cost of your actual health over the years, these were my symptoms after years of searching for answers:

  • Chronic fatigue
  • Chronic pain
  • Insomnia
  • Selective Mutism
  • Social Anxiety
  • Severe problems getting out of bed upon waking
  • Forgetfulness, even when things were important and mattered to me
  • Trouble remembering names
  • Low immune system
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Struggles with task completion
  • Struggles with timeliness
  • Struggles with memory
  • Impulsivity
  • Short temper that is gone as fast as it appears
  • Feeling like a failure
  • Social Isolation
  • Withdrawal from recreational and social activities 
There was no running about. There was no bouncing off the walls. Being sick in the ways it presented in me was nothing like the the picture I'd always had of ADHD in my head. So many people attributed what I was going through to personality flaws, laziness, a lack of care for others, selfishness, intentional flakiness and snappiness, or me just being a hypochondriac. I wasn't the picture of that naughty boy in class that wouldn't sit still. I'm so sick of the way people joke about and talk about ADHD in the social sphere, because it's way off and to be honest it could've led to my death.

I hope talking about this helps people. I hope it helps people that don't know what's wrong and are starting to blame themselves, and I hope it helps other people to stop being such dicks. I swear to god, ADHD is Depression and Anxiety's weird cousin on facebook. Everyone wants to post about being supportive of mental illness. Nobody even thinks about what else it might be, and what support for that looks like. It's such a common disorder, and it's so dangerous to ignore. People with ADHD have a 30% increased risk of suicide compared the people without it, and for those who aren't medicated, the risk increases. It's estimated that 5-11% of people have ADHD, and that despite its equal prevalence across sexes, women are chronically underdiagnosed and misdiagnosed. It's really not rare. Why does nobody seem to understand it? Do you know someone being treated for a mental illness that doesn't respond to the treatment? Are they female? Who are they? Have they considered ADHD? Are you there for them? Do you even know how to be? I had no idea at all.

So here I am now, in my 30s, trying to play catch-up with my life and feeling like I'm running at full-tilt just to get to where everyone else already is at my age. Medication has taken away a great deal of my issues, but there are still things that I will always struggle with. How I got through the last half of my honours degree without medication, I will never know. How I managed to survive the past couple of years is probably a combination of being too tired to kill myself most days and just being very lucky. It's nice to be past that, but it's scary to think about. I wonder how many people didn't get to this point, and I think about what can be done to prevent that sometimes.

I learned very quickly this year who my friends were, and who were simply seeing someone at their most fragile and taking advantage as much as possible. This sounds so dark. I don't often afford myself time to just sit like this with all of my thoughts, because unless it's being considered in order to move onto something more positive, it seems like a dangerous kind of thing to get locked onto.

What I'm making my life about now is ignoring thoughts on how this is so unfair. About how much easier it would've been if it had been caught sooner. About how much easier things would've been if people had cared enough to be there for me when things were the hardest. I think that comes from a place of thinking that life owes you something, simply for existing. I don't want to mourn my life. I just want to live it and achieve the things that I daydream about, now that I have the means to do so. I internally eyeroll every time someone tries to build me up by telling me what a rough deck I've been dealt. 

I just got the keys to my life handed to me. I need to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with it now. I have a plan that I can actually start to stick to here. It's daunting, but it's also exciting. The first thing I've started to do is go looking for the type of people that I want to become. I can socialise without being terrified that I'm going to fuck everything up and get hurt now, I can focus enough to actually follow conversations in crowds too. I need to take that and do something with it. 

That's what I need right now. Not your new diet for management without drugs. Not your soapbox opinion on the existence of this disorder. I get it. Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. The thing is, actual medical conditions are not really a polite discussion point. We already know they exist. It's not up to your interpretation. Go and muse over some abstract painting in an art gallery or something while I'm over here trying to live through this and make something of myself. I don't have time for that sort of nonsense, and to be honest, I won't always tolerate it. I want to embrace my life. I'm so lucky to be alive. I'm so relieved that I made it to here. I want to be with friends now, making happy memories and going out and doing things now that I finally can. Just to be able to get out of bed without feeling like I'm going to pass out is absolutely wonderful.

I have so much to do now. I've spent this month just trying to put paperwork and tasks in order that were left wherever they were dropped. I spent ages re-doing my budget so that I could finally live within my means and not worry about forgotten bills or memberships coming up for renewal. It's finally working. 

Now that I can be something, what does that look like? Where does that take me? How do I get there? What are the risks involved? I've got a lot of it figured out, but there's so much to do, and all I want to do is jump ahead and be there right now. I need to keep working toward the same thing every day and stay patient. I need to be around people so that I keep up momentum to achieve these goals and keep living instead of just existing the way I was. I'm hoping that the next post I publish will be another step in the right direction. I've at least got my friendships and family to a point now where I'm comfortable and it feels supportive, but the rest of my life is completely up-in-the-air. I want to keep working on these positive things now that I have been given this opportunity.

Can I do this? I want to do this. This has to be my turning point, I'm ready for this now. I'm so much happier now. I'm so excited for the future. I have to stick at this. That was a lot. Thanks for visiting.