Jul 28, 2014

life begins at (almost) 30

This is the first weekend where I've been able to see in myself that yes, things are most definitely turning around. Life is getting happier, easier, just better overall. The past three months have been incredibly intense. Coming to terms with diagnosis and all the time I could've had, along with what this means for the future, has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to cope with. I feel like I've finally turned a corner now.

Since I have been going through treatment, there were glimmers of hope here and there, but mostly I've been really unsure. My perceptions have changed for the better, but dealing with big shifts in perception still made me quite unsure of myself. I was pretty sure I had a stable head on my shoulders for pretty much the first time in my life, but I didn't really have much of a feel for it. I've really settled into treatment now, and I can look back and see that yes, I most definitely have had my life together since this treatment started, and it's getting better with every day that passes.

I've visited heaps of people that I've known for years and every person that sees me says the same thing - I'm still me, but I'm okay now. They aren't worried about me, I'm much happier, calmer, and focused. I feel like I can finally be a proper friend, without having things implode around me after a few months. It's been a horrible thing to have to deal with. I've always been so confused about what the hell was going on with my social life and I'd always hated myself and blamed myself for it. I finally know what was wrong now, and it's being treated successfully. I can't even put into words what a change that has made in my life, and in how I feel about who I am as a person. I'm still very tired, and there are some nights where I find it hard to take in the reality of living with a permanent disability, but the good is now far outweighing those times. It's nice to know that I can finally be something decent to people, and make the lives of people I care about happier and more supported, rather than (what was previously) difficult and upsetting by me being around.

I'm so glad I'm getting along better with my family as well. I've just come back from an amazing weekend with them, and there were no arguments. Better still, no arguments is now the norm, and has been for several weeks. I have the sort of relationship with my family that I've always wanted, and that until now, has always been completely out of reach. I've even started recording with dad, and we're actually having a really fun time at the moment, playing with some trip hop sounds with a real organic feel. He's working with a guy that had a song on the Skins soundtrack at the moment as well, there's some really amazing things going on with his music. Dad has been really amazed at the stuff I've pulled out of logic pro, so we may well end up doing a collaboration with this dude in the future. I've had plenty of experience editing film, but whenever I've gone into the music studio with dad up until now, I've been too scattered and moody to function. This weekend I could just jump in, get focused, and take the creative passion I've got and actually point it at something meaningful. There's a hell of a lot more work to go on what we're working on, but damn it was a good feeling to actually get part of a track laid down for once. This is something I've been talking about doing for years, and I just wandered in and got it done this weekend. I feel like my whole life is starting to become like that. Instead of deliberating and getting all worked up and then doing nothing, I can actually point myself at something I want to do, and just get into it and get it done. I guess most people take that in their stride, but for me it's like this new and amazing experience. So THIS is how the rest of the world lives! No wonder I've been tearing my hair out and an emotional train wreck up until now. How the hell did I live so long with so much overwhelm in my head? Who even knows. It's lucky I'm not dead.

I can't even describe how much my life is turning around. People want to be around me, I'm getting my work done, and I'm taking all that creativity I've had all along and actually making something of it. And best of all, I'm not missing half of what people are saying at any given moment. I can actually properly help people with my work now. I can be there for people in my personal life without taking it to heart, and in a way where they can be the focus of the conversation when they need it. It's the start of a new week, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm ready for that and I'm excited about it.

I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but I feel like I actually have something to live for other than to make sure my dogs get fed. My folding still isn't done and I have a few readings to catch up on, but not everything feels hopeless and impossible now. There's real hope in my future for the very first time.

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