May 7, 2014

Speechless

Deep breaths. This is a very hard post. This post might well disappear if it gets too tough to deal with for a while. This month has been a huge challenge, and I'm really not sure of a lot right now.

I have answers for the first time that don't really lead to more questions. I know why I got depressed. I know why I got anxious. I know why I was at risk for PTSD. I know why heavy study periods get me to the point of tears, weight fluctuation and dysfunction. I know why I feel isolated at my hardest times by friends and family.

My anxiety went away for a while, my PTSD waned. My depression had been gone a while. I was still getting migraines. I was still struggling trying to get through uni in weird ways - like falling asleep or having to draw to stay awake in lectures, or having to rush out to walk around for a few minutes before sitting back down. And yet I'm brilliant at what I do when I do it. If I'm having a good day, I'm at the top of my class. Nothing made sense and the memory, migraine and concentration problems continued. I went to my GP. My GP says ADHD. I was referred to a clinical psychologist. The clinical psychologist says ADHD, and at this point anxiety again because I'm now having trouble coping with the amount currently going on. I'm waiting for a psychiatrist referral now, which could be up to six months, to try medication which may or may not work, if I have this. It might not even work regardless. This is absolutely driving me into emotional turmoil. Functioning is now harder, but I still have to wait.

I feel like I'm in The Truman Show, and everything I thought I knew has suddenly changed, and all of the weird things I just kind-of accepted and "whatever"ed at suddenly make some sort of horrible sense. I feel like I have to accept 29 years of new reality and it's been a month and I have no idea how to deal with that. Most mornings I tell myself that it's silly and I'm just anxious and then I immediately lose my phone and forget what I was saying mid-sentence to my housemates and run late for class after having not actually done any of the readings and then I want to scream.

I have all this other stuff going on too and I'm just not okay right now. I have to say what is likely my last goodbyes to my grandfather on the weekend, and at the moment I'm not even on talking terms with my dad and taking all of this in just leaves me in tears. I can't afford not to keep moving in life right now. I have a thesis to write that I haven't even started. I have a meeting with my supervisor tomorrow and I can't remember when it even is without setting alarms on my phone not to miss it. I don't even know how to talk to people about this or if I should yet. I have so many "what if"s. It could be six months until I even get to see if medication helps, and in that time I have exams and assignments and thesis, friends not to let down, I somehow have to get my family sorted out. I am already completely out of energy. I don't trust myself not to be short with people. I keep bursting into tears. I have lost four kilos in a fortnight. I have to go to work in 20 minutes and I am neither showered nor out of bed. I have to be up early tomorrow and I won't be home from uni until after dark. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I have to. Usually I have a conclusion at the end of these sort of blogs. I have nothing this time.

If you feel the need to talk, please do it via PM. I'm not expecting anything, but I feel that much should be said. I want to try to not be so anxious or ashamed that I don't post this, because I don't think stigma around ADHD should exist. I want to succeed, without judgment based on mental illness. People are becoming accepting of depression and anxiety, this shouldn't be any different. I don't want to be a part of a problem, but this also scares me. I'll keep it up here if I can, somewhat vaguely anonymously.


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