Shameless stock photo.
It has come to my attention lately that people think I can only be happy if I'm a part of someone else.....and I'm confused. I mean sure, being in a long term relationship would be nice I guess, but my idea of a nightmare is committing to the wrong person. I have a huge social and academic life, and I'm more than self-sufficient.
I don't mean to sound angry, but are people in the general population aware that equality is not a thing yet? I know myself well now, I'm producing really good work, I have strong and stable friendships with no silly drama, and I'm in a stable home environment. And yes, I'm somewhat promiscuous. For some reason people are concerned about this, but were once-upon-a-time okay with me pursuing what were abusive relationships, to a point where I was not only miserable, but in real danger.
I'm not a conventional person. I don't think anyone really entirely fits the concept of conventional. I'm pretty sure that's a term that should be left for describing ovens. This does not mean "oh look at me, I'm so random haha I'm like, totally unique!"; that's not my game. I just do what makes me happy, and I really don't give a toss about external opinions, unless I've actually deemed the person having them as worthy of listening to.
What is going on right now in this culture?
Let's ask some questions. Let's ask some really interesting questions.
Why is the value of a girl measured by her love life?
Why is sexuality anyone's business but those who are directly involved?
Why do so many people feel as if people, particularly women, cannot be fulfilled without a relationship?
Why do people outside of a person's relationships feel that they have a right to act affected by said relationships?
Why is normal more important than happy?
I excitedly told someone I was hooking up later the other day and they sent back "Well I hope you find what you're looking for one day." What even is that? I have found what I was looking for. It's me. I found me. I stopped placing value on what other people thought of me, and I started to have time for myself; I became happy. Is it so hard to believe that taking a few years to figure out life in your twenties can have an endgame of being comfortable in your own skin, based on what you like? Isn't that essentially what any fulfilled person does?
I stopped being so worried about what people thought of me, and my mental illnesses started to melt away. I stopped placing my personal worth in my ties with others, and the abusive relationships ceased. I got rid of the people in my life that gained power from belittling others, and I started to make friends that were genuine, that would talk about more interesting things than who was a slut and who was alpha that week.
I love my life. I absolutely love it. The people allowed in are the ones that love me. If that changes, I feel no shame in walking away. We're not so caught up in social posturing, which means we get to talk about things like art, and science, and travel, and the future, and a whole myriad of things that are fun for better reasons and that help us grow. I'm focusing on studying, to a point where I now get the absolute honour of conducting research that helps change the way the world views social structure, for the people. To make workplaces more comfortable, to allow people to be happier. I get to do that because my time belongs to me and not the uncomfortable drama of a broken social group or a broken boyfriend. I think that's great. I'm not facing each day with anxiety and depression anymore. I'm not so traumatised by PTSD that I can't function on a regular basis. I can speak my mind without fear. I can stick up for my friends without worrying about persecution.
I'm exploring my sexuality and I don't feel bad about turning someone away if they turn out not to be what I'm looking for. That's a huge step forward. One day I probably will settle down with someone and have a couple of kids, but I don't need that to be happy. Sex is fun, by the way. Nobody should be ashamed of that.
So to my well-meaning friends and family who hope that I find what I'm looking for: I love you dearly, I appreciate your kind sentiments, and I hope you do too.