Mar 15, 2014

Awakening

This is pretty much a runsheet of 2012 and 2013.

Trauma can do funny things to a person. I've survived it, but since I've come back on track, I've felt emotionally switched off at times. There have been a lot of ongoing psychologically distressing circumstances in my life over the past few years. Lately that has not been the case, which has seen some changes in my experience of life around me.

This morning I woke up and it was as if a large chunk of the emotional numbness I had been, well, not feeling for the past year and a half had been turned back on to about perhaps 80-90% of what once was. What once was had been somewhat exaggerated anyway by major life changes, so I'm going with I feel normal again. I woke up, had a bit of a cry, and felt lonely for the first time in a very long time. Which was wonderful. I hadn't felt a lot of anything recently. That may sound strange, but emotions coming back is something I needed. I generally care so little that I struggle to remember a new person, not due to any physical deficit, but due to a lack of interest. It's nice not to feel so numb. I think I can say that I'm not a full time PTSD sufferer anymore.

It will be nice to take the feelings my body is letting me have again, and drive them toward goals. Hopefully it will allow me to take in my coursework and make it more meaningful. It also means that I feel like I'm really ready for more meaningful relationships now, so that's another possibility, depending on what opportunities come my way.

It's all a little hard to describe, but it feels as if a weight has been lifted today. I'm thankful for having a rare day off to enjoy it all. It's very hard to describe, but my experience of PTSD so far has been akin to a stroke patient having to relearn how to walk, if walking was feeling emotion. It was as if my body reacted to the trauma by protectively shutting off my emotions, and then randomly throwing all of them at me at once in a concentrated form whenever something triggered it.

I feel like I'm defined by myself rather than any illness lately. I'm not scared to welcome in things that I once would've just silently and numbly walked from. This post is strange, because it sort-of highlights the level of illness I've experienced to the reader that is very severe, but I don't want people to think that way. I've dealt with this all along, and this post is about not feeling like that anymore.


It's a sort of overwhelming happiness that I'd only really vaguely remembered feeling until recently. Time to go out and put it to good use now. Thanks to all of you that I kept around, for being so supportive, and for being a part of me healing from a life I left behind some time ago. I get scared talking about this, because it means people will want to ask questions about things I'd rather not discuss, but I think it's important to talk about one thing - that people can get through even the most challenging things and come out the other side stronger and with their humanity intact. If you have PTSD, there is hope for you too. There are fewer and fewer hard days as time passes, and I don't feel isolated by my traumatic experiences now.

Anyway, I'm waffling. Thank you for your support.


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