Aug 21, 2014

let the good times roll

Yes, I'm so legitimately shitty at my body that I gimped it its very own award.

I feel like I'm playing illness bingo. Urghhhhhhh. So, after minor surgery on Tuesday and being taken off ADHD meds, I passed out every single day and gave up and went back on them today after calling my specialist (GP took me off them as I was super depressed and also showing signs of the beginnings of septic shock that might've explained the inattentiveness). I went into meltdown, made worse by being provoked and put down by people in the last couple of days that really should have known better. Blood pressure is hovering around 100/70 at the moment, so it's lowish but okay. The hives have stopped since the surgery to remove the implant. But yeah, the blackouts and emotional distress kept right on.....

My body appears to be taking the "por que no los dos" approach to illness....actually it's taking the goddamned Pokemon approach to it....HEY GUISE I HERD U LIEK BEING EXHAUSTED AND MISERABLE AND SICK AS FUCK SO I THOUGHT I'D CATCH YOU EVERY ILLNESS EVER! Well fuck you, guy. Stupid, stupid-ass body. I'd be angrier, but I'm too damned tired. I haven't cried today or passed out, so I'm taking that as a small win for the day (I have every other day this week). Been awake more than three hours? Check! Emotional exhaustion present but capable of being somewhat hidden from others for the day? Check! Good-o.

So, here's what the current medical theory is:
  • Immune response to implanon triggered sepsis
  • Combined Adult ADHD 
  • Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome
  • Social isolation worsening symptoms
  • Uni stress worsening symptoms
  • Family stress worsening symptoms
Basically, my body decided while it was forming/growing/maturing/whatever that its reaction to my efforts to do anything without horrible isolation, failure, exhaustion, emotional distress, psychogenic pain, losing consciousness, etc would just be "NOPE". Hot damn I need a hug this week. I have stitches in one arm, blood test punctures in the other, all my glasses have salt residue on them from crying, my room is a mess and I'm too weak to clean it, I have uni work coming out of my ears that I can barely focus on, I'm really socially isolated, I'm anxious and unhappy, and I'm tired most of the time. Blood results tomorrow, my money is on "inconclusive". If only I won a prize for correct blood result guesses.

Feeling - completely exhausted
Watching - The Legend of Korra (at least that part of today is fun)

Aug 18, 2014

some friends

So as anyone reading this would probably know, I've been feeling like shit lately. I'm really, really fed up. I'm over the people in my life that bullshit about "taking some time for themselves" and how they "feel bad about being selfish, even though blah blah blah". You're being selfish. That's why you feel that way. And no, I haven't been just fine without you all around. After resigning myself to writing all the crap I've been going through just down to poor mental health, I blacked out for four hours today and I had a migraine all weekend. I'm fucking sick of people telling me everything is in my head. I ended up at the doctors today and my blood pressure is too low, so they are now thinking that this might be the actual cause of mood changes, exhaustion, trouble focusing etc. And that I'm probably anxious and depressed as a result of that, on top of the constant isolation from peers. More freaking blood tests and scans. I've blacked out twice in as many days, and I'm still trying to drive myself around, get through uni, write a freaking thesis......but where the fuck are my friends?

I'm sure they're off having some really inspirational little chat about how they care so much but they are not around for whatever supposed reason. Well, guess what? I'm fucking sick, and you're not here. I am so sick and tired of being let down by people when I can barely stand and everything in daily life is a huge effort. I swear to god people must think I'm just talking out of my arse or something. I'm not fucking okay, and half of you assholes are sitting there sharing shit about loyalty and mental health and "R U ok" and god knows what else on facebook, and never say a word to me. I'm so sick and tired of all of this. I'm stressed, dizzy, exhausted and alone, ALL OF THE TIME. What a difficulty for you all. Yeah, I totally understand. Ugh. I'm so fed up right now. If you really care about the health of your friends, get in touch, because I'm sick, and a friendly face would be nice among all the freaking scans and tests and needles and fuck knows what else I will go through this time while people try to figure out why my body is just randomly crapping out all over the place.

I'm so exhausted and disappointed right now.

Aug 10, 2014


I thought long and hard about this, and in the end, I decided that I have as much right to my feelings when they aren't so great as I do to them when they are more socially palatable. I'm going to start with something positive, and share my new artwork, which I had until now tucked away as a surprise for a friend. It's an elderly family pet, and so showing it before now would've given the game away. This represents twelve hours work and the medium is pastel pencil on roughly 100gsm white paper. I haven't drawn at this level in quite a long while, mostly because to do so before medication involved many hours of focus and concentration, and before now it would have taken me months and been so emotionally overwhelming that I wouldn't have been okay for a few weeks afterwards. The miracle of modern science, I guess. I can now knock one of these over in a couple of weeks, if I happen to be having a good few weeks. It's hope that if everything else falls down, I'll have a way to support myself, because I shared it with a few people far removed from the recipient so that I didn't blurt anything out, and the result was about 4 or 5 requests for a commission. One thing at a time. For now, I need to slow down my art projects and focus on this thesis. Two more months of significant struggles and it will finally be over and I'll have my honours degree. Then I can figure out the rest of my life, and do a little more art. Anyway, I hope that you enjoy the piece. It was a lot of work, but it also shows me that I'm not just a pointless being on this earth, and that I can actually give something (however small) back.

Which brings me to last night. I had at least seven people that were once good friends go absolutely out of their way to make me feel hated, unwelcome, invisible, isolated, unwanted... and I'd just like to let them know that congratulations, if you really were trying to make me feel like that, you completely succeeded. I smiled and was polite for most of the night, but it made a big mark on me and I am absolutely 100% sitting at home alone in tears right now. I'd like to think something positive came out of it for someone, because it certainly didn't help me. I have been clear of major depression for just under a week. My diagnosis of ADHD has pretty much shattered not only my lifestyle, but everything I thought I knew about myself up until this point. I know I have not been easy to get along with in the past. I also now know that I had absolutely no hope of control over that until now. The part of my brain that regulates emotional reaction to external stimuli and on top of that the part that is meant to be in charge of executive function is broken. This means that where most people would think things but not necessarily say them, I will blurt them out uncontrollably. This also means that I experience heightened reactions to emotional stimuli, particularly negative stimuli and especially anything aggression-related. This in combination without treatment has meant that any slightly unsavoury experience with someone has been experienced personally by me at a level comparable to someone else perhaps at 20 times the severity of the actual situation at hand. Worse, it has also meant that before I can even process it on a long-term social level, I have already reacted in a way appropriate to the extremely negative experience I am having, but not always to the situation. It has also made me incredibly gullible. I have had the best intentions throughout this, despite feeling constantly persecuted. This has often translated into friends coming to me with their problems surrounding falling-outs with others, and me ending up furious and trying to defend said friend, which in reality has just meant doing other peoples' dirty work at great personal expense, with no realisation at all that this is what was actually going on. And it's hurt people I do care about, which fucking kills me. I battle with myself every day because I really hate myself over it all, and yet I had no hope of controlling it. Until now.

Last night I went out of my way not to step on toes, I didn't drink, I let people have a chance at actually getting to know me, as I really am, for the first time in what many of them would have ever had. I got completely and deliberately socially excluded. I understand, but I wish other people understood more too. I'm going to spend the next few weeks fighting with myself to try and keep it together and not end up clinically depressed again. On top of the ADHD, I'm also diagnosed with social anxiety, auditory processing disorder, post traumatic stress disorder (thankfully this has almost gone away) and delayed sleep phase disorder. The DSPD isn't so bad at night parties, but the medication I take to regulate it means that after about midnight I am yawning uncontrollably, even I skip it for a night. Social anxiety I guess is fairly self-explanatory. I hope. Auditory processing disorder means that in loud or crowded environments, I'm effectively deaf if somebody is talking more than about half a metre from me. PTSD isn't so bad socially, but if someone makes a nasty joke around assault or other things I really don't want to mention, I'm immediately experiencing some really horrible memories, whether I want to or not. I'm not writing this because I want sympathy. Sympathy does pretty much nothing for me to be honest. The best thing I can get from people is to actually feel accepted and as if I can live some semblance of a normal life once in a while. I want people to understand that last night represented three solid weeks of fear and anxiety, and I still made the effort. I want people to understand that even though I was acutely aware of the animosity toward me, I was capable of not going on the offensive. I gave myself a chance in that social environment, and it was a huge effort to do so. Not many other people gave me that chance. Many went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome. To those that didn't, thank you. You give me hope at the darkest times.

It fucking hurts to have a serious illness, be finally treated and able to manage it enough to function socially, and only get that treatment to function after it's already too late. I am not anything like the person I have been anymore, and it doesn't matter. This is the brain equivalent of someone handing me a walking frame after both of my legs have been amputated. The main difference is that I have an invisible illness, so even though my chances of it killing me are somewhere vaguely around 1 in 5, it becomes my fault. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like shit. I'm so sorry. There's nothing I can do about the past and it upsets me more than anything. You're not the only person weighing up whether or not my existence is worth me being here. It's exhausting to fight on days like this one, but I have to keep fighting anyway. Writing helps, so hopefully I'll be able to stop crying and snap out of it and eat something after this. I know I'm going on and on. I'll stop for now.

Feeling - hopeless, exhausted
Listening - A Little Piece, The Jezabels

Jul 28, 2014

life begins at (almost) 30

This is the first weekend where I've been able to see in myself that yes, things are most definitely turning around. Life is getting happier, easier, just better overall. The past three months have been incredibly intense. Coming to terms with diagnosis and all the time I could've had, along with what this means for the future, has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to cope with. I feel like I've finally turned a corner now.

Since I have been going through treatment, there were glimmers of hope here and there, but mostly I've been really unsure. My perceptions have changed for the better, but dealing with big shifts in perception still made me quite unsure of myself. I was pretty sure I had a stable head on my shoulders for pretty much the first time in my life, but I didn't really have much of a feel for it. I've really settled into treatment now, and I can look back and see that yes, I most definitely have had my life together since this treatment started, and it's getting better with every day that passes.

I've visited heaps of people that I've known for years and every person that sees me says the same thing - I'm still me, but I'm okay now. They aren't worried about me, I'm much happier, calmer, and focused. I feel like I can finally be a proper friend, without having things implode around me after a few months. It's been a horrible thing to have to deal with. I've always been so confused about what the hell was going on with my social life and I'd always hated myself and blamed myself for it. I finally know what was wrong now, and it's being treated successfully. I can't even put into words what a change that has made in my life, and in how I feel about who I am as a person. I'm still very tired, and there are some nights where I find it hard to take in the reality of living with a permanent disability, but the good is now far outweighing those times. It's nice to know that I can finally be something decent to people, and make the lives of people I care about happier and more supported, rather than (what was previously) difficult and upsetting by me being around.

I'm so glad I'm getting along better with my family as well. I've just come back from an amazing weekend with them, and there were no arguments. Better still, no arguments is now the norm, and has been for several weeks. I have the sort of relationship with my family that I've always wanted, and that until now, has always been completely out of reach. I've even started recording with dad, and we're actually having a really fun time at the moment, playing with some trip hop sounds with a real organic feel. He's working with a guy that had a song on the Skins soundtrack at the moment as well, there's some really amazing things going on with his music. Dad has been really amazed at the stuff I've pulled out of logic pro, so we may well end up doing a collaboration with this dude in the future. I've had plenty of experience editing film, but whenever I've gone into the music studio with dad up until now, I've been too scattered and moody to function. This weekend I could just jump in, get focused, and take the creative passion I've got and actually point it at something meaningful. There's a hell of a lot more work to go on what we're working on, but damn it was a good feeling to actually get part of a track laid down for once. This is something I've been talking about doing for years, and I just wandered in and got it done this weekend. I feel like my whole life is starting to become like that. Instead of deliberating and getting all worked up and then doing nothing, I can actually point myself at something I want to do, and just get into it and get it done. I guess most people take that in their stride, but for me it's like this new and amazing experience. So THIS is how the rest of the world lives! No wonder I've been tearing my hair out and an emotional train wreck up until now. How the hell did I live so long with so much overwhelm in my head? Who even knows. It's lucky I'm not dead.

I can't even describe how much my life is turning around. People want to be around me, I'm getting my work done, and I'm taking all that creativity I've had all along and actually making something of it. And best of all, I'm not missing half of what people are saying at any given moment. I can actually properly help people with my work now. I can be there for people in my personal life without taking it to heart, and in a way where they can be the focus of the conversation when they need it. It's the start of a new week, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm ready for that and I'm excited about it.

I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but I feel like I actually have something to live for other than to make sure my dogs get fed. My folding still isn't done and I have a few readings to catch up on, but not everything feels hopeless and impossible now. There's real hope in my future for the very first time.

May 30, 2014

just some thoughts really..

So the specialist said ADHD as well. Combined type. This is day two of treatment. I'm not sure how I feel really. I mean I feel happier, and I'm getting more done, but I'm apprehensive as well. I've had a lot of shit in my life, and there's always been one suggestion or another of some magical way to make things better. I suppose I just wait and see now. At the moment I'm a little all over the shop. Did I mention that draft one, part one of my thesis is due at the start of next week? And that I'm 100 of 4000 words into it with about 40 more articles to read? I'm out of my depth this week, but I'm much less anxious and angry. I guess I'll either find a way through or seek support, it's not all hopeless, it's just a really big challenge.

I had an exam yesterday. I should be studying today but I honestly just need a break, so I'm sitting in my room just quietly watching TV. My head is a little sore, but I get migraines and things all the time, so that's not really a big deal. I don't really have much more to report right now, I just figured it was about time for a post. I just read through this and there weren't a bunch of typos, so I guess that's new. Usually I end up editing things about 4 times after I've posted them, and even then I delete them out of anger/embarrassment/anxiety about half of the time. Welcome to Billieville 2.0? We'll see.

May 7, 2014


Deep breaths. This is a very hard post. This post might well disappear if it gets too tough to deal with for a while. This month has been a huge challenge, and I'm really not sure of a lot right now.

I have answers for the first time that don't really lead to more questions. I know why I got depressed. I know why I got anxious. I know why I was at risk for PTSD. I know why heavy study periods get me to the point of tears, weight fluctuation and dysfunction. I know why I feel isolated at my hardest times by friends and family.

My anxiety went away for a while, my PTSD waned. My depression had been gone a while. I was still getting migraines. I was still struggling trying to get through uni in weird ways - like falling asleep or having to draw to stay awake in lectures, or having to rush out to walk around for a few minutes before sitting back down. And yet I'm brilliant at what I do when I do it. If I'm having a good day, I'm at the top of my class. Nothing made sense and the memory, migraine and concentration problems continued. I went to my GP. My GP says ADHD. I was referred to a clinical psychologist. The clinical psychologist says ADHD, and at this point anxiety again because I'm now having trouble coping with the amount currently going on. I'm waiting for a psychiatrist referral now, which could be up to six months, to try medication which may or may not work, if I have this. It might not even work regardless. This is absolutely driving me into emotional turmoil. Functioning is now harder, but I still have to wait.

I feel like I'm in The Truman Show, and everything I thought I knew has suddenly changed, and all of the weird things I just kind-of accepted and "whatever"ed at suddenly make some sort of horrible sense. I feel like I have to accept 29 years of new reality and it's been a month and I have no idea how to deal with that. Most mornings I tell myself that it's silly and I'm just anxious and then I immediately lose my phone and forget what I was saying mid-sentence to my housemates and run late for class after having not actually done any of the readings and then I want to scream.

I have all this other stuff going on too and I'm just not okay right now. I have to say what is likely my last goodbyes to my grandfather on the weekend, and at the moment I'm not even on talking terms with my dad and taking all of this in just leaves me in tears. I can't afford not to keep moving in life right now. I have a thesis to write that I haven't even started. I have a meeting with my supervisor tomorrow and I can't remember when it even is without setting alarms on my phone not to miss it. I don't even know how to talk to people about this or if I should yet. I have so many "what if"s. It could be six months until I even get to see if medication helps, and in that time I have exams and assignments and thesis, friends not to let down, I somehow have to get my family sorted out. I am already completely out of energy. I don't trust myself not to be short with people. I keep bursting into tears. I have lost four kilos in a fortnight. I have to go to work in 20 minutes and I am neither showered nor out of bed. I have to be up early tomorrow and I won't be home from uni until after dark. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I have to. Usually I have a conclusion at the end of these sort of blogs. I have nothing this time.

If you feel the need to talk, please do it via PM. I'm not expecting anything, but I feel that much should be said. I want to try to not be so anxious or ashamed that I don't post this, because I don't think stigma around ADHD should exist. I want to succeed, without judgment based on mental illness. People are becoming accepting of depression and anxiety, this shouldn't be any different. I don't want to be a part of a problem, but this also scares me. I'll keep it up here if I can, somewhat vaguely anonymously.

Apr 5, 2014

Calmed Farm

This motherfucker again.

Friends, I've been a little under the weather for a couple of weeks, so I've had a few days away from homework. In the interest of personal health improvement, of course. It's been really fun! I've had a good look at what's working and what isn't working within my lifestyle, and "cut the fat" a little. I've dropped a few shifts among other things, and changed my diet and exercise regime a little as well - it was becoming so regimented that I was more stressed over it than it was doing good. I had a look at ways to reduce that stress. That's all sorted now and magically I'm dropping weight on top of that, despite relaxing my eating habits?! Okay then, I'm alright with that! So long as it's not from easing-up at the gym and losing muscle mass, full steam ahead. So, what have I actually done this week?

I did a fair chunk of the fun stuff, you know, regular-style multiple regression, sequential multiple regression, multiple regression with a side of fries, finding unique independent variable values and normalising to standard deviations, reflecting on postmodernism, studying logical fallacies, looking at falsificationism versus modernist induction methods.....but I also did these:

Not actually these literally, although it's totally in the dream journal.

  • Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  • Froyo
  • Hanging with friends
  • Baking
  • Time to myself that wasn't studying
  • Having the hard conversations with friends and family, so I'm not anxious and getting nothing done about said anxious thoughts
  • Yelling at my computer (with friend support)
  • Hanging out with the dog
  • Playing with my hair
  • Tracking down the perfect dress
  • Did some makeup trials for fun
  • More froyo
Fuck yes.

So essentially, add a boy and a pizza, and it's been a fairly ideal week. People have tried to steer me off-course a little, but that has failed. I'll be doing a few more family things tomorrow and then it's back to the books again. It's been a good rest. I'm glad I did it. My asthma is controlled again and my migraine has subsided. No more painkillers and steroids, which is great. I hate the way they make me feel. Being half-asleep and distracted all day when you're trying to research and write complex things is extremely counter-productive. That's the personal stuff. Mostly. I had an epiphanic moment yesterday, in which I realised that I actually had caught the feels, but I don't really want to talk about that in detail. I really don't like the idea of that right now. *backs away slowly*

Let's talk about other things. Like how awesome Captain America: The Winter Soldier was! I do not profess to have in-depth knowledge on all that is Marvel, but I really enjoyed this movie. Just so much. I may have gone and done a thing to my hair in the excitement. Mostly. To be honest I've been playing with the hair idea for a few months now anyway, but hey, the season has turned, the whim took we are. Next up: somehow finding more hours in the day to spend at the gym, without it affecting my study or the social facets of my life.

Randomly, here are some random life tips I've picked up as well:
  • If you have brittle hair, avoid using anything stronger than a semi-permanent dye over it. Temporary is ideal, but also tends to fade fast, and run through every sheet, shirt, and pillowcase that you have ever held dear. It's also made for some awkward ruining of boyfriend sheets in the past. Handy hint.
  • Coconut oil is your best friend. Try and find an organic and unrefined one. It'll cost you maybe $10 for a jar, but it lasts ages. You can cook with it to help decrease your LDL (bad cholesterol) intake. You can use it as a moisturising balm for your lips. Best of all, you can use it to give your hair super. freaking. powers. Rub it through, focusing particularly on your ends, before a permanent or semi-permanent dye job to protect the hair. Use it as a hair mask on dry hair, by coating the hair in it then glad wrapping. Wait 2-hours-to-overnight, then rinse out with a few applications of a gentle shampoo. Your hair is now rainbows and fucking unicorns.

That's about it really. Oh, I've also been listening to a bunch of Nine Inch Nails, mostly in the car. They are just so good. Without giving away many spoilers (but mostly fuck you, potential spoiler, go e.a.d), I feel this one fits well with the Cappy and His Emo Heterosexual Life Partner movie theme. Excuse me while I don a black catsuit, play with my new hair colour, and dance around provocatively to this. I'm pretty sure the only thing that bothered me in this movie was Black Widow's runners-that-were-heels. They confuse me. I'm willing to investigate it further though.

Mar 30, 2014


1. The ability to see right through something.

2. An epiphany of truth granted in one moment, allowing one to make new choices.

Mar 29, 2014

Werk It

It's a good's a good burn......

God it's been a week of fuckery. I'm not usually one for anecdotal sayings, but news has come in threes this week. Bad news. Everyone seems to have left common sense at the door and I'm just left here staring blankly, trying to figure out if what is happening around me is real, or I'm being punked by an entire bunch of unrelated people in my life at once, in some sort of elaborate and multifaceted ruse. Well, at least being able to use "elaborate", "multifaceted", and "ruse" in the one sentence has softened the blow of this week a little. But only a little.

I think I'm most annoyed by the disruption to my already choc-full deadlines. I'm working two jobs and studying an honours year full-time. I was working three jobs, but had to drop one because I also party to a level which is not advisable, and the end result of that all shoved into one lifestyle was that I spent most of this week as sick as all hell, pushing my workload into an even bigger well....shit heap.

As weird as it sounds, something that has kept me sane and avoided me really rolling heads has been taking on yet another commitment. I've been to the gym most days this week, with the exception of the ones where I really, really was too sick to function at all. It's actually been brilliant. My initial urge was to go to the doctor and get more valium, but I just don't feel right about that while I'm doing this well. There was a time a while back where I genuinely needed the stuff, but honestly as uncomfortable as life has been this week, I know I don't need it right now. One of the big things worrying me is to do with drugs and someone else, and to be honest, I feel kind-of wrong about having these concerns and then coping by getting a bunch of valium. I don't care if I can get it on a script, the rationale seems kinda fucked.....I'm not judging, if you need it then by all means go for it, there is a place for the stuff, but I don't need it right now.

So....sorry I got a little off-track...this is where working out comes in. I'm flogging myself at the gym when I'm frustrated, angry and/or upset, and it's helping a lot. I'm getting something to throw my aggression at that doesn't beget more aggression, I'm getting a rush of serotonin from the workout, and I'm getting the added bonus of better feels surrounding body image. And you know, better general health as well. Science, bitches.

Tonight has been particularly trying via a "series-of-random-events-that-had-nothing-to-do-with-me-but-very quickly-became-a-burden", so this is my friendly semi-public reminder to myself to stay on-track. Do those damned readings. If you're wanting to yell at "the stupid" tomorrow, go do a gym session instead. You have been through so much worse. Don't let silly things steal your happiness. You got this girl. Et cetera. This is one year of hard work, and that hard work will be worth it. Hold on to your sanity and smile it out. You got this.

Mar 15, 2014


This is pretty much a runsheet of 2012 and 2013.

Trauma can do funny things to a person. I've survived it, but since I've come back on track, I've felt emotionally switched off at times. There have been a lot of ongoing psychologically distressing circumstances in my life over the past few years. Lately that has not been the case, which has seen some changes in my experience of life around me.

This morning I woke up and it was as if a large chunk of the emotional numbness I had been, well, not feeling for the past year and a half had been turned back on to about perhaps 80-90% of what once was. What once was had been somewhat exaggerated anyway by major life changes, so I'm going with I feel normal again. I woke up, had a bit of a cry, and felt lonely for the first time in a very long time. Which was wonderful. I hadn't felt a lot of anything recently. That may sound strange, but emotions coming back is something I needed. I generally care so little that I struggle to remember a new person, not due to any physical deficit, but due to a lack of interest. It's nice not to feel so numb. I think I can say that I'm not a full time PTSD sufferer anymore.

It will be nice to take the feelings my body is letting me have again, and drive them toward goals. Hopefully it will allow me to take in my coursework and make it more meaningful. It also means that I feel like I'm really ready for more meaningful relationships now, so that's another possibility, depending on what opportunities come my way.

It's all a little hard to describe, but it feels as if a weight has been lifted today. I'm thankful for having a rare day off to enjoy it all. It's very hard to describe, but my experience of PTSD so far has been akin to a stroke patient having to relearn how to walk, if walking was feeling emotion. It was as if my body reacted to the trauma by protectively shutting off my emotions, and then randomly throwing all of them at me at once in a concentrated form whenever something triggered it.

I feel like I'm defined by myself rather than any illness lately. I'm not scared to welcome in things that I once would've just silently and numbly walked from. This post is strange, because it sort-of highlights the level of illness I've experienced to the reader that is very severe, but I don't want people to think that way. I've dealt with this all along, and this post is about not feeling like that anymore.

It's a sort of overwhelming happiness that I'd only really vaguely remembered feeling until recently. Time to go out and put it to good use now. Thanks to all of you that I kept around, for being so supportive, and for being a part of me healing from a life I left behind some time ago. I get scared talking about this, because it means people will want to ask questions about things I'd rather not discuss, but I think it's important to talk about one thing - that people can get through even the most challenging things and come out the other side stronger and with their humanity intact. If you have PTSD, there is hope for you too. There are fewer and fewer hard days as time passes, and I don't feel isolated by my traumatic experiences now.

Anyway, I'm waffling. Thank you for your support.

Mar 9, 2014

Misperceptions on Happiness

Shameless stock photo.

It has come to my attention lately that people think I can only be happy if I'm a part of someone else.....and I'm confused. I mean sure, being in a long term relationship would be nice I guess, but my idea of a nightmare is committing to the wrong person. I have a huge social and academic life, and I'm more than self-sufficient.

I don't mean to sound angry, but are people in the general population aware that equality is not a thing yet? I know myself well now, I'm producing really good work, I have strong and stable friendships with no silly drama, and I'm in a stable home environment. And yes, I'm somewhat promiscuous. For some reason people are concerned about this, but were once-upon-a-time okay with me pursuing what were abusive relationships, to a point where I was not only miserable, but in real danger.

I'm not a conventional person. I don't think anyone really entirely fits the concept of conventional. I'm pretty sure that's a term that should be left for describing ovens. This does not mean "oh look at me, I'm so random haha I'm like, totally unique!"; that's not my game. I just do what makes me happy, and I really don't give a toss about external opinions, unless I've actually deemed the person having them as worthy of listening to.

What is going on right now in this culture?

Let's ask some questions. Let's ask some really interesting questions.

Why is the value of a girl measured by her love life?

Why is sexuality anyone's business but those who are directly involved?

Why do so many people feel as if people, particularly women, cannot be fulfilled without a relationship?

Why do people outside of a person's relationships feel that they have a right to act affected by said relationships?

Why is normal more important than happy?

I excitedly told someone I was hooking up later the other day and they sent back "Well I hope you find what you're looking for one day." What even is that? I have found what I was looking for. It's me. I found me. I stopped placing value on what other people thought of me, and I started to have time for myself; I became happy. Is it so hard to believe that taking a few years to figure out life in your twenties can have an endgame of being comfortable in your own skin, based on what you like? Isn't that essentially what any fulfilled person does?

I stopped being so worried about what people thought of me, and my mental illnesses started to melt away. I stopped placing my personal worth in my ties with others, and the abusive relationships ceased. I got rid of the people in my life that gained power from belittling others, and I started to make friends that were genuine, that would talk about more interesting things than who was a slut and who was alpha that week.

I love my life. I absolutely love it. The people allowed in are the ones that love me. If that changes, I feel no shame in walking away. We're not so caught up in social posturing, which means we get to talk about things like art, and science, and travel, and the future, and a whole myriad of things that are fun for better reasons and that help us grow. I'm focusing on studying, to a point where I now get the absolute honour of conducting research that helps change the way the world views social structure, for the people. To make workplaces more comfortable, to allow people to be happier. I get to do that because my time belongs to me and not the uncomfortable drama of a broken social group or a broken boyfriend. I think that's great. I'm not facing each day with anxiety and depression anymore. I'm not so traumatised by PTSD that I can't function on a regular basis. I can speak my mind without fear. I can stick up for my friends without worrying about persecution.

I'm exploring my sexuality and I don't feel bad about turning someone away if they turn out not to be what I'm looking for. That's a huge step forward. One day I probably will settle down with someone and have a couple of kids, but I don't need that to be happy. Sex is fun, by the way. Nobody should be ashamed of that.

So to my well-meaning friends and family who hope that I find what I'm looking for: I love you dearly, I appreciate your kind sentiments, and I hope you do too.

Feb 23, 2014


Over 10,000 hits, you lovely people! Thank you! This makes me happy. So, what's going on here? Well, a fair bit really. There are still a few big things happening around the place, a few things I'd rather not deal with, but overall I'm feeling pretty confident. I don't have a whole lot of time to talk today, because I'm already supposed to be somewhere, but I woke up excited about my future. As is not uncommon for me, I woke up and got stuck into a TED Talk in bed and hung out with the dog for an hour or so. I'm really excited about my upcoming honours research, and if I get the one I'm after, social science will be something I spend a lot of time playing in. I'm also doing a bit of my own social engineering at the moment, trying to tweak my social life, and get myself well-placed emotionally and support-wise with some smart and like-minded friends, so I find this sort of stuff really interesting. I love that just a few subtle things can heavily influence chemical and emotional processes, both internally and externally of you in a social context. I really find that fascinating. I'll be very big on researching how that applies to the context of my research this year, if I'm given the opportunity, but for now I'm enjoying playing with it within a personal social construct. I'm not sure how common it is to wake up on a Sunday morning, all super-excited about testosterone and cortisol-based aspects of dominance and success in a human social environment, but I'm happy that what I'm doing right now is something I'm passionate about.

Here's this morning's adventure into Social Psych.

I love that this woman has come from hard times and being told she can't succeed, to making a difference to others. I mean sure, she has confidence and dominance, and I know that feels awesome, but the great thing about power is the influence. The helping people, not by telling them what to do, but by being able to influence the way the feel about themselves, so that they can do things for themselves. This positive feeling about learning how to best do that and influence that, has me torn between specialising in org, social or developmental psych on a daily basis. And you know what? That's okay. The nature of the industry means that in some way and shape, we are forming the shape of our jobs around a need that can be fueled by funding, and that means that I can quite easily find myself in an area of study and work that encompasses all three, if I bring something new to the table. And this year I get to start doing that. It's more about trying new ideas, research, and taking initiative, and less about spewing terms verbatim from text books. I have a thesis over my head, and yet my main feeling right now is excitement.

I'm also being able to apply these things at work, and that is just the best. I came into an environment where kids would not participate in activities, and things were not ideal, and now things are starting to turn around. The rowdy kids are now taking that energy and using it to lead. Instead of telling them off, they are given responsibility, and it's making them them happy! It's meaning that they get involved in the activities, not because they have to, but because they are enjoying them, and things are going more smoothly for them as a result. I am so happy that some of these kids who were just there because they had to be, are now looking forward to parts of their day, and instead of playing up, they are becoming the kids that others look up to and that we cherish for their positive team work. Anyway, I'm very happy that I can help be a part of that. And I'm so stoked that I worked hard, and I get to focus on things like this in my ongoing career now as a result.

Now, personal life time. And I should of course be showered, fed and at a party right now, so I'll keep it as short as possible.Things are changing here, and it's predominantly very positive. Cutting away toxic people has given me room to breathe. I'm just working on a few things at the moment really. Finding a partner is up there, obviously, but I'm not super worried at the moment. Living arrangements are a bit all over the shop, and it's going to be stressful for a while, but I'm getting on top of that, hopefully in half-decent time. I'm so, so keen to see if a mate of mine is in to the fourth year program with me. I have everything crossed there. Other than that, the only other friend really struggling at the moment is dealing with new facets of relationships, and learning how to deal with the unexpected. I don't think they realise it, but what probably seems like a negative experience is actually really showing them that they can achieve a bunch of things that maybe a year ago, they would never have thought possible in themselves. Even though you might not get what you want, remember that you got something you thought you didn't have in you - you tried new things and you learned things that previously, not having made you feel disconnected from your peers. You have those experiences now, you have a common ground. Just for now try not to get too caught up in your own head. Use the frustrating times to focus on something else and you will live to try another day. Anyway, I'm officially two minutes late for my plans today and I haven't showered yet. Time to bail! Thank you so much for reading though, and having patience through the past couple of weeks. And now, it's play time :)

Feb 17, 2014

too sassy for you

So today I made a discovery about myself, as well as my needs. I realised through very little social networking efforts and just a pinch of quiet observation, that I'm not actually as hopeless on matters of love as I thought I was and here's why: I've been beating myself up for a couple of weeks now about being too cold, too broken and a million other things that are actually bullshit.

I'm not broken, I've totally moved through all my previous shit and I'm on the whole a very happy free agent, unless something stupidly drastic happens - at which point I cry for a couple of days, do a bit of soul searching, and move the hell on with my life.

The reason I'm not diving into serious relationships lately is because I actually know what I'm looking for. I've been selling myself way too short. I spent seven and a half years in a dedicated relationship, and only decided to leave because he stopped respecting me; somewhere along the lines I appear to have forgotten that about myself. I'm the person who remains sane and grounded through the constant insanity and bullshit. I know how to be loyal and loving. I'm a huge fucking catch on that front.

I'm also wise to people's games. I can never be the girlfriend if something awry is going down, because I've had that many douche-canoe guy experiences in my life now that I can smell a rat. I'm old enough to not even dignify it with a fight. I just feel sorry for a person who has such a broken view of relationships that they will play this game and be ultimately unfulfilled. Perhaps I've become more rational.

Everything seems so obvious, and things are rarely at an acceptable level. I don't know, this sounds angry but it's really not. Not at all. I just don't have the strength. The tediousness that is playing along with people who think you can't see right through them is no longer draining, it's just boring, and I move on pretty fast.

I'm not cold. I was never cold. I'm intimidating by nature, because I'm fucking awesome and because I don't feel the need to apologise for it. And, to be honest with you, I'm just becoming pretty fucking complacent about people that are bad at sexual relationships. Cold where cold is due.

Tonight kind-of went from sadness, to annoyance, to pity, to a sudden increase in my own self-esteem and self worth. I realised I was way more experienced at relationships and life in general than a person I really admire. Not actually even angry anymore. How do I write this without coming off as rude? This will do it: It's not you, it's me guys. This has been a happy adventure in self-discovery.

Hold up for the song, the lyrics are perfect.

Feb 5, 2014

Valentines and such

*internal screaming*

That is all.

Jan 7, 2014


I am at that awkward stage of a relationship, dear readers. Not awkward for the actual relationshippy part, no no, for the routine part. See, this is why I fear change.

A couple of nights ago I had lovely spoony cuddles and everything was good ever and I could not sleep for even a moment because in the famous words of Jenna Marbles, "What are this?" I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. You know how your night life for the past ten or so months has been a flurry of adult onesies, eating junk food you invented in your microwave at 2am in bed, and sending far too many snapchats of your dog to your friends? No, I don't either, not at all, but imagine for a moment that your spinster/bachelor style resembled something to this effect. And then you got into some sort of a relationship thing. Just go ahead and picture that for a moment.

So now we are in the magical stage where things are not entirely concrete, and so sleeping arrangements are in a constant limbo land. Which is magical, so long as you would like to sleep never. Two days ago I could not sleep because there was spooning and not nearly enough junk food nor dog hair at 3am. Now I cannot sleep because there is a tiny dog farting on the pillow next to me and snoring instead of a lovely human thing, and because I ate way too many chocolate finger biscuit things while watching other video things on youtube. THIS USED TO BE MY SLEEP ROUTINE, DAMMIT!

Brain, are you listening? It is 2.30am. There will be no nice human spooning tonight. Please, kindly...

The dog has always made those noises. Those smells are bedtime dog smells. The onesie is your standard national sleep costume. Why, body, why? I am now requesting external advice for how the heck you go to sleep during bachelor-transition mode. Is there some sort of a book I can read? A program I can join?

Also this is pretty much what I feel like I'm doing on the internet right now.

Will I ever learn? What are these feels? What are feels? How do I even? This is silly body, shut up. Body, return to your original programme of 3am mug brownies and The Vampire Diaries in bed until the situation can be better assessed. Just. JUST. CALM. THE. FUCK. DOWN. Stop talking and back away slowly from the internet machine. Good. Very good. Oh. Oh dear.

Send help.