Dec 31, 2013

Resolutions


It's somehow the 31st of December already. I'm not sure how that happened. I have to say, I'm happy with this year. I'm so happy with it. At the start of 2013 I was dealing with severe amounts of stress, dealing with some really awful people, and struggling to make it through uni while at the same time dealing with everything else life had thrown at me. A hell of a lot of "everythings". At the same time, I was expected to put on a brave face and act like nothing was going on. And at the start of the year through all this, some of my closest friends were absolute dicks to me and took complete advantage even through they knew what I'd been through. Fast-forward to now and it's a different story.

I've aced uni and made it through to honours. I've removed all the toxic assholes from my life. I have friends who aren't fighting with someone new every week. I have friends who aren't just being nice to me to get with me. I have friends who don't lie to my face. At the start of the year I had everything against me, and a lot of people thought that my chances of making it through and not only making it but doing well were slim to none. But I did it, and I'm really proud of myself.

Anyone that went through what I'd been through would've been accepted for wallowing in their own pain and misery, not succeeding at their goals would've been completely understood. But I got there anyway. Before I make a list of resolutions for next year, I want to look back at the things I did this year. These were my resolutions at the start of the year, and my results underneath:

  • I'm going to try and reduce my reliance on Alcohol to get me through social situations, even if that makes me suddenly appear a lot more shy.
I think I've been properly drunk maybe twice all year. I also started going to different parties. I've actively gone out and met an entire new group of people and I'm much more confident in a group environment. I know how to have a good time with great new people now, and I have courage to thank for that.
  • I'm going to stop joking about my physical imperfections, and I'm not going to tolerate jokes in that direction toward me from others anymore either...and I'll make sure I show them the same respect in return. I won't get in a fight about it, I'll just make it clear that it's not appropriate and change the subject. Particularly breast size and weight. I'm so sick of being picked on for being little in every way. If I called someone fat it would be an outrage, and it makes me feel like less of a woman when people say I look like a twelve year old.
This has been well-and-truly put into action. None of my friends would dare comment negatively on my body now, and on top of that, I've surrounded myself with the sort of people that also uphold these values and removed the ones that made me feel the need to stick up for myself in regards to regular degrading, offensive and sexist comments.
  • I'm going to make an effort to talk to people that I haven't really spoken to before now. There are a lot of people at uni that I see all of the time and am always just way too timid to say anything of quality to, and that needs more effort on my part.
I have become heavily involved with a brand new community of girls, who have become fast friends. I've even traveled interstate on holidays with these ladies and it's made a huge difference to my life. It's so great to feel as if I'm on the same page as others for once. It's a good fit.
  • I'm going to work freaking hard on my marks this year and not let other things get in the way.
Fucking honours bishes. Not much more to say.

Safe to say I achieved everything and more that I set out to do this year.

So now I need to look at 2014. What is the plan for this new year? What do I want to change? What do I want to keep the same? What am I working toward? Who do I want around? Who don't I? I guess I'll get back to you on that one. For now, it's party time.




Dec 11, 2013

Year in review.


Yesterday I was sitting around at home moping, and facebook decided to throw its new "2013 year in review" button at me. So, with much trepidation, I clicked the link. And I got this:


  • Graduated from University
  • Went on an amazing holiday with my friends
  • Started the year at a uni party with some excellent people
  • Did a whole family surfing lesson while on a beach holiday
  • Hung out at Crown with my Westside peeps, sporting fabulous pink hair
  • Chilling with my Poppy dog
  • Found out my puppy was going to be okay, after a big cancer scare and operation
  • Bought some kickass clothes, that the internet clearly approved of
  • Kicked arse on my exams
  • Paid off my car loan
  • Hilarious wardrobe malfunction involving a catsuit under a dress
  • Finished all my undergrad assignments
  • Had a good laugh at my family trolling on facebook
  • Got a HD average in third year
  • Got into honours!
The moping went away pretty quickly. I've had a fucking amazing year, this year my life has completely turned around. I've met some really great people, I've picked up my confidence, I've worked hard, and I've got everything that I worked toward. Holy crap, all new years resolutions successfully complete.

I am so thankful for the people that are in my life right now. I've had to surround myself with positive things to get all of this stuff done, and those positive things have been the people that I've met and the people who have stayed with me throughout this year.

2013, the year that I got my shit together and turned my entire life around. Fuck yeah. Thank you for being a part of it, you made the last twelve months absolutely wonderful and I love you all so much. And now, the song for this year (and I don't give a fuck if it's too mushy for you because Katy is my spirit animal), Roar. One, it was my uni's grad song of 2013. Two, I made it out on my own this year. Three, it's catchy as hell. Aww yeah.

Side note: 500 hits this month! Thanks for reading 





Dec 6, 2013

One last Black Milk sneak and an awesome vlog channel!

Hello lovelies! I just realised that I forgot to add a picture of the Black Milk Merman Cap Sleeve Bodysuit I nabbed at the sample sale. Here you go. It's hard to tell in photos, but the merman material is a metallic black/gunmetal material that shines holographic under bright light. It's just darling! We all need to bug JL so that he will make this a thing!


I would also like to talk about a fellow sharkie and awesome friend of mine named Yen, who has a really cute youtube channel called theyennipenni. She's fairly new on the scene, but people are already loving her work a lot. She is super keen on fashion and makeup, and her most recent vlog is a behind-the-scenes tour of Black Milk HQ in Brisbane, as part of their fourth birthday celebrations. I know you want to see that!

If you love her (I know I do), don't forget to hit subscribe!

My next little bit is about Australis Cosmetics; in particular their new Velour Lips range. This is a liquid brush-on series of extended wear matte lip colours. Oh my gosh readers, I am in LOVE with this stuff! I've been looking absolutely everywhere for some of the more high demand colours, and it's sold out everywhere! Help? I managed to snag myself the bright purple shade (TOK-I-O), but I've been searching high and low for their bold/classic red shade, NY-CEE. Help, I need a responsible adult! How do I get my hands on some of this glorious stuff?

Pictured left-to-right: Australis Velour Lips in NY-CEE, TOK-I-O, and MAL-I-BOO.

All of the other shades have just been replenished at Australis Cosmetics Online, but no luck on the red shade yet, but their facebook page suggests a restock in January. In the meantime, here's me, wearing the most epic shade of TOK-I-O. Let it also be noted that it smells like lollies and lives up to all promises of staying put and being heavy on the colour in all of the right ways.

Featuring the always adorable Penny in the background 


Now let's finish up with Ice Cream by Battles, because I've been enjoying re-listening to it now that we're headed into the warmer months of the year!



Black Milk Brisbane Party Time (aka the best bunch of people ever)

Pictured: Bliss!

As you can see, I had an absolute ball up at Black Milk HQ, to celebrate their 4th birthday! Now all that's left to do is unpack and catch up with Christmas presents, as I've managed to get a bit of a bug on my return to Melbourne, where it was of course hailing today. It's summer and three days ago it was 36C, but it was hailing all the same. Yes, I'm home. Back to my epic holiday!

I was bunking in a serviced apartment with Pauline, Jacinta, Sally and Laura, and I couldn't have asked for better roomies! Everyone was respectful and fun, and great friendships were forged. There were laughs, tears, music, fashion, makeup and tequila. I'm going to do a day-by-day rundown for you now. I'll start with my Thursday arrival, although let it be known that due to a family illness involving a hospital stay and resulting 400km worth of driving to and from Warrnambool right before my departure (said family is all better now), Thursday was a little quiet!

Thursday


Okay! So, Thursday, after 2 hours sleep and a 2-hour flight, I arrived in Brisbane at 8.30am. I wandered out of baggage claim and just asked around until I could figure out a cheap way to get to the apartment, because that's how I roll. It worked, and I managed to find a sweet bus service that would drop me to the door and return on Monday to come and get me. I got there, dumped my stuff, ate Maccas, picked a bed, swapped pillowcases so I wouldn't leak purple hair dye everywhere, and promptly crashed out for several hours. Some time later, I got to meet the lovely Pauline, Sally, Jacinta and Laura, and we went out with the rest of the gang for epic Japanese noms. Then I crashed out again, because exhausted reasons, and sleepily snapchatted and such to tell people I'd survived the trip.

Ok, this one is post-BM Party, but close enough!

Friday


Friday meant a tour of BMHQ and an impromptu sample sale! We got there just after noon, after a bit of primping and what not, and a snack or two. We also got to try on the new gym gear, and it is amazing. The staff are all so nice. I'll let the pictures do the talking!



Getting our podcast on... 

The final product!



HQ Sample Sale Haul


And here's what I left with...



Not a bad haul, if I do say so myself! The top photo is all unreleased, the rest are just awesome.

Saturday


Saturday was a huuuugeeee day. We had Wet'n'Wild during the day, and then the big birthday party at night! So, here we go....

Wet'n'Wild


It rained, oh did it rain! We caught the bus early in the morning. And it rained some more. That wasn't stopping us, we had an absolute blast! The bonus of this was that all of the rides had hardly any lines, and we got to just take over the place and run amok. The hardest bit was climbing the stairs to the higher rides in the wet with chilly wind upon us, but the waterslides were worth it, even if it was jokingly dubbed "Wet'n'Lame" - we all had a lot of fun.

Party Time!


Black Milk's 4th Birthday party was completely amazing. It honestly felt like walking into a fashion wonderland, where everyone rocked and people were free to be themselves. They also had a super pretty candy bar, Sharkinis, live music, a fashion show, heaps of goodies and the 501st turned up as well! We had R2D2 whizzing about on the dance floor, and body painted models strutting about, and we all had a blast and danced until the wee hours, when we could dance no more, and the lovely BM staff helped us find cabs. Cam in particular saved a few sore feet! And let me say, Gillian has the dance moves! 


 Twerk it out!




Sunday


Sunday was a recovery day, thankfully! I didn't drink much the night before, but I was keen to sleep off five hours of solid dancing. We all napped for a while and then Sally, Jacinta and I toured around Brisbane, taking in the sights. We bumped into some lovely New Zealand sharkies, visited a pop-up market, and randomly bumped into some adorable huskies and malamutes!





After that, we headed back to the apartment, where the lovely Penny met up with us, and we decided to spontaneously go out for Mexican - can I just say, best Mexican restaurant ever! We had some yummy food, tequila, and then headed back to the apartment for drinks and a bit of music and giggles. This was meant to be our lull night, but it was easily one of the very best nights of the entire trip. Thank you to Sally, Jacinta, Laura and Penny for such lovely company. I love you girls so much!




Monday


Our last day came all too soon, but it was still packed with lovely surprises. Some of the girls went back to BMHQ to help with a few fitting queries for the new gear, and I was lucky enough to meet up with them there once they were done....which meant saying hi to the lovely staff and a few interstate and international sharkies again, and another sample haul! After that I decided I'd keep Pauline and Laura company at the airport (my flight was much later), check in my baggage, and just spend a few hours by myself, enjoying all the memories of this amazing holiday. I chatted to a few friends back home (love ya Jessie), read a little, and enjoyed the serenity, before heading back to Melbourne.

HQ Last-Minute Haul


Unreleased Mermaid Musk Skater Scoop Dress (to be released)

 Unreleased and unheard of Purple Jester Bodysuit and Chocodile Jacket

Muscles Leggings to freak people out at the gym (as photobombed by Poppy when I got home)

So there it is, that was the story of the most amazing holiday I've probably ever had, of bonding with some really lovely women, of dancing until the break of dawn, and of tight and shiny nylon. See you all again next year! I'll leave you with a couple more pictures, and the song that was our very last song of the night at the 2013 Black Milk 4th Birthday party, Brisbane. Thanks for reading. 






Nov 19, 2013

It's OVER 9000! (but seriously, thank you readers)

It's finally time to write this post!

A huge thanks to all of my lovely readers. This post marks my blog hitting over 9000 views, so it's quite the occasion. I've been waiting a bit of a silly time to put that image of Vegeta up! So.....what's new? I've finished uni, I got my marks, I'm waiting on further news, various crafting stuff, party, impending holiday! Here we go...

So, I got my final results for my last year of my degree and.......they are great! I got the marks I wanted to hit the range for honours selection, and now I have to wait. A month. To figure out if I got in to honours or the grad dip.. Which means a month of limbo at my folks' place while I figure out where I'll be living for the next year. It's tedious. I want to move already...but it's good news. Plus, in that time I have a bit of time to myself, an interstate VIP trip, and a buttload of 9-5 (and sometimes 8-6) work. So it should pass relatively quickly at least. I'm not good at doing nothing for extended periods.

I had a big party to celebrate, but it kind-of went to shit due to a lack of organisation, distance, and people generally sucking (except for those of you who came who I love at lot, so thanks!). The moral of this story is that I've made a friend cull, of some of the people that I felt were just using me. It really sucks because I love my friends, but when I start feeling like crap because of the people I'm hanging around, what their morals entail, and the money and hours I put in to do nice things for them, all to get pretty much nothing back, it has to be done. I've been a bit down-in-the-dumps about it for the past week to be honest, but it also leaves room in my life for new friends, and I've even managed to start spending more time around a few close friends that I've missed over the past crazy year of moving house and study. It's good. 

I'm also about to leave for a big party in Queensland with a fashion brand I'm sort-of tied in with, so that's very exciting. I'm now in the process of madly trying to get fit a little late, and running around to book airport transfers and the like. I'm also about to go to my first Queensland theme park. It's only a little bit late! I'll add pics at a later point for you if I can.

Other than that, I've been keeping myself very quiet. I'm working on maybe going on a few dates and getting out of the house, but I'm also in a bit of a weird state of mind where I want to spend a lot of time alone and I'm a bit disillusioned with people in general. It feels like ever since I graduated, I've been running around trying to please a lot of people, and nobody has really tried to please me back in return. I'm going on a baking day tomorrow with someone I haven't seen in a while, so perhaps I'll feel better about things then. I'm just super sick and tired of working hard on friendships that turn around and blow up in my face. I deserve what I put in. That's all I ask for, is the treatment I give, given back to me. That's fair.

One of my recent works (I'm rolling with slightly longer sleeves than this now)

Anyway, enough of my sour grapes! I've made a few more onesies this week, which includes a summer onesie pattern that I have personally designed and kinda perfected now. I'm also really enjoying the embroidery functions on the machine I'm using. It's a huge amount of fun to custom make gifts for people with that level of quality. This weeks' projects on the sewing front will be a bag and a few smaller gifts if I have time for mum's upcoming birthday, and shirring. If you don't know what shirring is, it's this:


I've been inspired by this beautiful cotton maxi that mum brought home for me from Vietnam a few years ago, and I also need a few skater skirts for Queensland in the next week or so.....and I don't have a huge budget. So, the plan is to dig up some elastic thread from somewhere and get stuck into the stockpile of cotton that I have kicking about the place that's doing nothing. Hello, pretty shirred fishtail skirts, playing with varied length skirts, cute dresses, pocketed skaters with high waisted shirred tops. I'm tempted to mess with a few playsuits and maybe shorts as well. Anything that will look hot and disguise my TV dinner thighs while I tone up, and also give me a bunch of really cute new summer styles to play with for gifts, now that onesie season is on the out, and the silly season is around the corner. I actually can't wait to start designing some new gear. Now to stop being sad and only getting out of bed around 3pm. It's a work in progress.

For those of you following my tumblr, you may have also noticed the odd pansy reblog as well. I'm thinking about painting up something nice with pretty watercolour-style pansies soon. So that's my inspiration. I'm really in love with the colours in this:


So yeah, if you see weird reblogs of pansies, that's why. I've been working with an artist friend and former colleague of mine called Liz Nicholls to improve my watercolour technique, so if I'm lucky I'll manage not to warp the paper when I have a crack at it this time around. I really love working with watercolour, but it's a fickle beastie. I've mostly been working with greylead pencil, so it'll be nice for a change. Here are a few vaguely recent works:



Which brings me to this - part of the reason I've been feeling so down over the past few weeks is that shortly after I finished my exams, my fur baby (above) got sick and had to have a lump cut out of her back, and the "C" word was used. So until recently, I was stressing like crazy, waiting to see if anything had spread while my sad and sore puppy lamented her surgery on my bed. Thankfully the news was good, and she's going to be okay and won't need radiotherapy. $600 dollars later, I'm relieved but poor. I'm hugely thankful for the support of the Black Milk community, for all pulling together and helping me sell a few items to pay for her surgery. I can't thank you all enough. Speaking of, here is my most recent get - the Midnight Owl skater. This is my current favourite piece.



I should get a full body shot of it, but that will do for now. I've also spent a lot of time lately working on hair, makeup and nails. I've been playing with a gel nail kit for the past few months, and that's starting to really yield great results. It's a lot of fun. In this picture (below), I was playing with some fairy-inspired eye makeup. I have also branched out into full face paint, but of course I didn't think to take photos of that! Next time. You will also notice that my hair is bright purple. I've been dying it that way for just over a month now, and I'm very much in love with it all over again, after having it a similar colour last year. Huge props to Nicole at NVious Hair for the amazing job she did cutting it recently as well. Since this picture, I have a perfect blunt fringe and my ends are much happier, so thanks Nicole!


Some of you may also have seen my most recent cosplay project - Zelda. I spent about a month (at a mostly leisurely pace) creating this out of a few old dresses and a few of my own designs with materials at home and sourced from various fabric stores. Here are some pictures for you. My most recent dress-up was as a woodland-style Tinkerbell, but you'll have to wait for the next event for me to post that one, and it wasn't hand made by myself, as the Zelda one was. It's gorgeous though. I'll add some pictures for you next time, along with work towards the Carnivale-themed Queensland Christmas party Black Milk costume I'll be working on this week (on top of evertyhing else). In the meantime, please enjoy the Zelda pics, and some lovely music I've picked up and enjoyed this week. Much love and thanks again for the hits, Billie xx.





Nov 1, 2013

And then that happened.

Pictured: The least-deserving recipient of a Sarcoma ever. :(

Well, I survived my degree. I've been free a week. I get final exam results in a week or so. I worked the first two days after my exams, and then I kinda just sat around at home being broke for a week, while I waited for my pay to drop in. It wasn't too bad though. And then Wednesday I was giving my fur baby back scratches and felt a bump. I took a look and it looked really suss. Fast forward to today and my dog has cancer, is very sore from surgery, and I'm short a good $500 to pay the bill. I suppose that's life though.

I haven't really cried, I'm pretty tough. I feel so terrible for my dog, but I'm doing the very best for her that's out there, and will continue to pay out for radiation therapy and more surgery if her results come back with more bad news. I'm very thankful that I happened upon the lump early on. I'm not really sure how to feel. I thought finishing uni would be a huge relief, but there's kind-of just a flatness about things now, like there isn't much purpose going on in my life, and I'm waiting with baited breath to see what Poppy's lab results are and how I went with marks.

I'm meant to be going out to celebrate tomorrow night, but it'll rest on how well my pup is doing and whether I want to actually leave her side just yet. She's so sore, and she's being so good about it, she needs cuddles and plenty of rest and someone there for her right now. She's had a little to eat and drink and is peeing okay, so it's just a matter of love, rest and observation now. I'm not sure how soundly I'll sleep tonight, but at least I have her back home with me.

We'll get through this. People might laugh about me being so dramatic, but she is a part of my family, and a huge part at that; who has been there for me through some really tough times. I care about her. Not much else has happened really. I've seen some friends and watched some good TV, and I'm applying for jobs now to pay for things and move again. And pay for Queensland.....I'm almost tempted to sell my tickets and accommodation now and just stay home with my pup, but I don't think I can really, even if I wanted to. It kinda sucks, I recently went all-out and bought a costume for my party and a gift for a family member and now suddenly I'm down an unexpected $500, but at least the important things are safe. Thank goodness the graduation party got pushed back a couple of weeks. I'm so thankful to still have my fur baby safe and sound next to me right now. I think perhaps that's why I'm not super sad, even if it has been a really rough trot - I still have her here and she's hopefully going to be okay yet. But still, I'm very tired. Sorry for the disjointed rant.


Oct 16, 2013

Study study study

Student life: An anthology.

So unsurprisingly, I haven't worked out every day. I don't mind, it's been at least every second day, and I'm under a week away from my first final exam. Right now my life is consisting of trying to sleep as normal as possible hours (quite a struggle as all I can think about is doing well in exams), looking after myself, and studying like mad. Two exams left and I have this degree in the bag.

I've spent the past three days going over Psychopathology and I'm pretty good for that one. Now to tackle Research Methods. Oh Research Methods, you are the one subject where I can spend weeks trying to figure out concepts, finally get them and then completely forget them. You are the most difficult unit of my whole degree. I have cried and lost so much sleep over you. I'm sitting on the high end of a HD average going into the exam, but the exam is 50% and I feel like I really don't know my stuff enough for it. I want to do really well, but I also want to understand what I'm working with, so that I can use it in the field and in (hopefully) further study. So, from tomorrow until Sunday, I will live and breathe Research Methods. If I can just nail that exam, I'll be soooo, soooooo happy. Then after that, I can start to think about the real world again. One week until the end of my course. Holy wow. I keep having this feeling of having bluffed my way through so far, even though that isn't possible and I'm acing things. I'm still scared I'll fail and I don't really get anything well enough. I believe they call that perfectionism, and yet I'm still kinda freaked out. Gah, let me be more confident in this one unit and let this be done! I can't wait to tick it off my list. I can't wait to enjoy my Spring/Summer and see my friends again!


Oct 10, 2013

Full package

Circus life.

This was me, center stage 13 years ago. Over the past few days, I've decided I'm going to change my lifestyle. I'm sick of making lame excuses. Oh, I can't get fit yet, because I have to dedicate my time to study! How can I focus on eating habits when I'm so stressed about exams?!!?

Yeah, time to snap out of that attitude. Both of those things are going to help me be stronger in exams. I'm also not going to buy into any girly little exercise routine. I'm adding weight to every routine. I've stopped putting myself on the scales and counting calories. I don't care if I gain weight. I want to add muscle so that I can do all the crazy things I used to do again, I SHOULD be gaining weight for that. I want to be able to get out on the grass in a few weeks' time and start with the flips and twirling and balance. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes again, and that's got jack-all to do with weight. I'm uncomfortable because the parts that should be toned are soft and lumpy. There's only one way to fix that. Plus, the exercise makes me feel good. Just as a side-note, for some reason listening to KMFDM makes me work really damn hard. It's pretty freaking awesome.


Oct 8, 2013

Calm before the storm

This week is the beginning of the end. I'm on my final assignment, and then onto exam study. In 2.5 weeks, I'll have my degree. And it feels like this:

As if I'm about to cop a barrage of "life".

That might sound weird. I should be nothing but proud and happy, but there's an element of fear there. For the past 3-4 years, things have had a purpose. They haven't been easy, but I've known what I'm doing with my life. I've worked fairly cruisy hours, made ends meet, saw friends when I could, tried to meet potential new partners, studied. The main focus was study. I knew where I was going in these past few years. In this moment, I have no idea what my path will be next year. Knowing that the things I do in the next 2.5 weeks will decide that path is quite overwhelming at times. There's almost an underlying urge to self-sabotage out of anxiety. I've been getting straight HDs, if I do well in exams, I'm smart enough to have earned a place forward into honours - and no matter what, if I get through that, I can practice as a psychologist and ultimately actually become a psychologist. But what if I'm not good enough? What if I get there and change my mind? What if I never get the time to find a relationship, because my priority is to study and work on my career? As stupid as it is, it almost seems easier to deliberately throw things, so I don't have to feel discouraged by what my true result might be if I work really hard. And on top of that, I'm exhausted. I've worked solidly for MONTHS. Before that, I was really, really sick. I even ended up in hospital and on steroids trying to control asthma attacks and a secondary infection. Before that, I was falling for yet another waste-of-time individual, which caused me nothing but distress and loss of precious study time and healing time from previous emotional damage in the end. I'm still trying to get past that.

I have so much going through my head, and a lot of it leads to a battle between procrastinating for the above reasons, and trying hard to keep focus because I want to achieve and beat all of the "what ifs" in my head. I wonder how common this feeling is? I should feel happy about my amazing marks, but I feel as if the more I prove myself, the more pressure there is to perform and keep achieving. I've been the smart kid so long that I feel isolated by it. Maybe I just want to be normal? Maybe I don't want to feel socially awkward and time-poor? Perhaps I don't want to be able to read the body language between the lines and know all the bullshit going on with people underneath the surface all the time, so I can just go to a party and be at a party, nothing more. Sometimes I wonder if I'd take being repeatedly cheated on, for instance, better if I hadn't actually known all along and forced myself to believe it was just an irrational hunch. It's hard to act like everyone else, when you walk into a room and know most of what people think of you before they even start talking. And god is it hard to prove them wrong when their judgments are flying around in your head making you feel less of a person. It's harder still to try and figure out how much of it is anxiety, or how to explain to people that no, I'm not being crazy, I've been right about these things almost every time. Or I don't know, maybe everyone knows these things and I just cope poorly? I just don't think so, somehow though. Not to the same degree.

Anyway....how does this tie into study? Well basically, I'm less stable around other people, unless they are really amazing people. I'm too good at knowing when someone is talking behind my back, and most of the time I cope by acting none-the-wiser, because I'm sick of fighting. Then I eventually get really mad and either back off or viciously cut ties and feel kind-of dead about it later. Finding worthwhile people that bring something new and good into my life without also bringing pain and damage is a rare thing. So for the past 3 months I've just avoided people and focused on study. I've left the house maybe 4 or 5 times, and most of that involved needing to reborrow books at the uni library. So of course now, result: I'm even more socially awkward, at a time when I'm about to be spending more time being sociable and needing people more in my life. And I'm anxious about my future in regard to that as well.

I'll also soon have the time to start thinking about relationships. I didn't realise just how much I appreciated having an excuse not to think about them. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure what I'm even attracted to, but one thing I have found in the last few months is that every time anything starts getting serious, I run like hell and cut contact, and I'm not sure how to make sense of that. What am I even really into? Will I be happy in a relationship? Will I get hurt? What if I settle down and have a family and then find it makes me unhappy? You can't undo kids, but I'm getting to an age where if I want to have them, I should probably start investing in a person and finding a nice house and all of that.....and I don't feel ready to commit. TO ANYTHING. To a house, or a person, or kids. But everyone is doing it around me and there are fewer single people to have as a social support network as a result. Plus, what if I hit 40 and realise not investing in these things was a terrible idea? What if I go rushing in head-first out of fear, and realise THAT was a terrible idea? Me being 40 is about the same distance into the future as me being in my final year of high school was in my past. That is scary as hell. I think I'm trapped in that paradox of choice that Barry Schwartz talks so much about. I have so many options that I risk being paralysed by them. So of course my coping with that so far has been to plan a party and book a flight the hell out of here shortly after that. Oh shit.

All of this from one simple thing - getting my degree. All of these huge, looming questions, fears, and hypotheticals. The battle I'm waging over these last few weeks isn't even about course comprehension. It's a battle with myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm waving, and other times like I'm drowning. I hope I'm strong enough.


Sep 17, 2013

Lull

Sometimes I feel I've found a kindred spirit, and I get excited that finally, I can share something with someone in my own crazy format. And then, just as fast, I feel alone again. But that's okay. I make good company even in a solitary environment.

I just don't sleep.

This post probably made no sense. That's okay, this week made no sense.


Sep 15, 2013

Bee does DIY: hands-free dog!

This is my final product, and the end to my adorable dog's
senior moments of falling off my lap and onto the floor.

Once upon a time, a love of shiny nylon leggings and a heavy study routine combined in a young woman and a middle-aged dog's lives to amount to one really annoyed dog who kept falling on the floor, and one really distracted woman who had to keep stopping her studies to put the dog back onto her slippery nylon-covered lap. And then, the dog sling was born. At first, I thought it would be a bit naff and, well, you know...

Probably not the most amazing pet product ever.

Yes. Anyway, results have been surprisingly *AMAZING* for my dog sling. I'm not even saying that sarcastically. My dog is snoring away in her sling, and I'm sitting here contentedly doing my homework writing you this blog.

So how did I make this thing? Well actually, it only took about 20 minutes with a sewing machine and some left-over polar fleece and a tape measure. Measure the length from the back of your neck to about where you want the dog sling to fall. Double that and add about 3 or 4cm for sewing reasons. That final length will become your sling length. If you have a small dog like mine (my dog is under 4 kilos and is fully grown), you'll need your sling width to be about 80-90cm when you factor in sewing the edges to make them neat. Go ahead and find some comfy-to-wear, snuggly material (I used polarfleece, but minkee would work too, or maybe even fleece). You won't need more than about a metre from the roll for a dog my size, or an off-cut you might even have lying around the house (I make a lot of onesies, I'll do a DIY post on that another time). Cut it to the length and width you just figured out.

Ok, now fold and sew little edges down the long sides, about 2cm thick, just so you have a cute edge. The long sides should be the edges of the length you measured from neck to where you wanted the sling to fall on your body. You can skip this if you want, it'll just make it sturdier and neater. I even sewed my edges a little deeper in the middle on one side, so my dog can poke her head out a bit more at the front. which side you choose to do that on will depend on which side of your body you want your sling to sit. Doesn't matter anyway, having it all equal will do the job! After this, fold the material in half lengthways. Keep it like that on a flat surface, and now fold it in half widthways. you should have unsewn edges all lined up at the top, with four folds of material sitting on top of each other from two pieces if you've done it right. Then sew the top and flip it inside-out and it's done! Screw it, I'll just draw a dodgy paint diagram:

Pictured: My atrocious paint skills.

Hopefully that made sense. I may actually need to vlog this. At the very least, you got a laugh out of my dog in a sling!