Dec 23, 2012

Revive.

Well, I'm back again. I've had so much happen since my last post, and most of it I really won't mention. Here's what I can tell you:

  • I work too much at the moment
  • I never think I've studied enough
  • I really think it's time for a change of scenery

I'm actually in a bit of a strange place at the moment, where I'm making these huge achievements with my career, but my career is getting in the way of my studies, and the goals that I'm really striving toward in the long-term. Pretty soon I'm going to have to make some big choices about where to move to and what to do about that, especially with recent job and study opportunities.

Also I really, really miss living in Geelong. I loved it so much there. Life was still life, of course. I miss it though, it was so much easier to have access to people and focus on my coursework....and actually have time for myself without sacrificing sleep time to get up for work the next day all the damn time.

I look back on the stuff I've written (not just here but in journals and other places), and I'm about a billion times more stable than I was a year ago. All these previous posts and writings of anxiety and depression and being involved with the complete wrong people is just...gone.

When I get upset I can pretty much resolve anything, even the most confronting thing, pretty quickly. There are exceptions, but they are the sort of exceptions that would make a typical person want to suddenly slit their wrists. I won't talk about it here. My focus is on this: my life in the past few months has just been getting better and better.

Now I'm going to be naughty and focus on the things that have made me insecure in the last week or so. Well, it's not that naughty. I'll write it in here, let it go for a bit, maybe think about it in off-moments, but I won't let these things consume me. but here they are.

  • I'm really stressed that this next party won't be perfect. My parties used to be massive, it wasn't uncommon for 40-odd people to turn up. Lately I've had a few really serious things happen and up until the past few months, I've barely or not-at-all coped. I'm really self-conscious about how people will react to that.
  • I worry a lot about how people perceive me. I have all of these thoughts in my head. I'm thinking about people and what they are doing and what I'll do with my future, and ethics, and a billion million little things about interpersonal relationships all of the time, and those thoughts are almost all really lovely positive things, but I'm really, really shy. I was one of those kids in primary school that was practically mute. I was awkward as hell until about year 10. It took me ages to come out of my shell and then I was suddenly popular and became loud in this really protective way which was a total facade, because the whole thing freaked me out and was completely unexpected. I don't think I've quite lost that in adulthood. I have a bad habit of being loud and lewd to protect anything deeper that might be going on. Except that that's completely retarded and makes people just not like you. And yet I awkwardly do it anyway at times, like some sort of go-to. It's frustrating. I think about it a lot. I want to find ways to make myself a better person all of the time. A more real person.
  • I'm starting to worry that a relationship might just not happen. I'm getting old. Properly getting old. Apparently I still look 22, but the years are starting to fly. I'm not 22. It's starting to hit December in a blink of an eye every year.
  • I worry that people don't think I have wisdom because I still act in really young ways. But I really think I do have wisdom. I hope I can be of use to people (and myself).
  • I worry people think I'm stuck up and I'm correcting them because I think I'm better than them. I'm quite compulsive at times when it comes to corrections and facts.
  • I observe social behaviours and sometimes they make me sad. It upsets me when I have friends and I really like them both and then they don't get along. I think about how I can make that better. Then I wonder if that's a moral thing to try and change. I wonder if it could make things worse. I wonder if it's selfish.
  • I'm perpetually fearful that I'll make the wrong choices, but I'm more fearful of inaction. I don't know if that gets me into more or less trouble.
  • I sometimes wish I didn't play dumb when I read between the lines and notice people bitching about me....but I don't really get into those big angry outbursts that I used to have anymore. I just see it and want to show them I'm ok. But I get frustrated as well. I'm in a perpetual state of trying to react perfectly to smooth things over and losing a genuine element in the process.
  • I'm not really anxious or depressed anymore, but I still never really switch off. There's always something I'm pondering. I'm a generally busy and positive person. I really, really hope I can be with someone soon who can share those sort of outlooks. Not because I need to feel complete. I know exactly who I am and what I want these days......I just think it would be really nice. And there are other things I'll want in years to come that mean a partner. At some point. I'm so bad at dating. I'm too forgiving. I put others first in relationships to the point of detriment. Sometimes I get a bit weird. I'm much better at it than I was, but I'm so over dating. I want to find the right person and get on with my life. It's so full. I barely have time to breathe. I don't want things to be difficult all the time. I don't want to be second prize all the time. I just want someone I click with, so I can comfortably spend time with them and also do everything else I want/need to do without wasting precious spare time in damage control.
  • Am I too late?
  • Also I really want my friends to be happy. I read so much about the people I care about, but I find it hard to approach them about deeper things without feeling really shy. Then it looks as if I'm really distant from them. Then suddenly there are these people I consider almost family and they kind-of look at me as if I'm on the outer and a bit of an idiot pain-in-the-arse. I really, really need to learn from this and put in a more conscious effort to connect with people that matter to me, so that they know that they matter. Fail :/

Ok, that's enough for now. I've made a few solid choices as well, so I'll focus on some positive things.

  • I'm going to move again soon
  • I know where to 
  • I know what I'm going to do with work
  • I look to have been offered an amazing opportunity on top of that
  • I'm excited to be getting on with my life

Anyway, I'm back. That's a bit of the stuff I'm thinking about right now. I'd dearly love to spend a few more hours writing up something funny and entertaining that isn't quite so self-centric, maybe drawing a bit, all that, but I have to be up in six hours and at work in eight. I probably won't get any free time to do personal things again until after Christmas. Maybe I might get lucky and have a bit of time tomorrow night, but I'll probably be tired and in the mood to just write like this, instead of writing something of quality.

If you're reading this though, I'm probably thinking of you. And if you're feeling sad for whatever reason, know that you are not forgotten and people actually do value you.

I'm going to proofread this now, because it pains me not to. On doing this, the dot point text spacing bothers me. I'm going to let that go for now. Dammit. Also I drew this earlier. It's only about 15 minutes' worth, at best. It's on lined paper. It's drawn with a shitty pen. I know. But here it is anyway.


I love you guys.

Lastly, here something I hope you'll enjoy. Smile. You're ok.




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