Oct 17, 2011

I errr...mumble mumble oh god


For any of you that currently know me, you will know that I'm fairly confident and not at all awkward in social situations. Well, perhaps awkward at times, but certainly devoid of almost any shame. Most of the time, that works out pretty well for me. I make friends quickly and I don't mind so much about the people that dislike me. I generally go on my merry way, having a good time, occasionally getting my work done and generally pursuing a wide range of hobbies in my day-to-day life. Unless there is a crush involved.

For some reason, having a crush on someone transforms me from a fairly confident and well-grounded person in their mid-twenties into a partially mute retarded school girl. And not in a good way. This appears to be a fairly stubborn circumstantial trait of mine, so I feel that I should probably leave a disclaimer of sorts in here, as follows:
  • I am so, so sorry about my complete inability to form intelligent conversation and, at times, words around you Mr. Innocent-Bystanding-Citizen. I promise that I'm not actually that retarded once I manage to get a grasp of myself.
  • I am not logically retarded. I will, however, lose all ability to do even the simplest of calculations or follow simple instructions when you are present. This is particularly likely if such skills would stand any chance of impressing you in-context. It's just my body's way of reminding me that my subconscious is a troll that delights in the image of my future self living in a small suburban apartment with multiple cats.
  • Being in the presence of any crush will immediately and drastically reduce any kinesthetic abilities that I may or may not have ever possesed. Prepare to watch me trip horribly on nothing and fall super-gracefully on my arse as soon as you are in a 50-foot radius.
  • I do eventually snap out of derp schoolgirl mode. The catalyst for my eventual transition back into 'normal mode' is the provision of stability in the form of a positive confirmation of relationship status from the other party involved. The awesome thing about that is that my body will spontaneously decide to do a whole host of retarded things pushing me away from this point as soon as I recognise a person as someone I would like to have a relationship with. In my years as a perpetual romance failure machine, I have dubbed this bodily system the 'cycle of fails'.
In summary, I apologise in advance for the impending slew of abrupt garbled sentences, awkward silences, moments where I'm caught staring at you before suddenly tripping over the nearest blatantly obvious object, hyperactively sleepless nights and small children asking "Mummy, why is she like that?"

It won't be this way forever, I wouldn't have survived this long if I was always like this. Please, please be patient and understanding. I'll come out of my weird and retarded shell eventually and then I will totally be awesome. Like a swan. Mostly. I promise. Shit. Hugs?


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