Please, don't be hot and cold. Yes, I realise that it's also a song. Now that we've moved beyond that, you know who you are. You adore me! Then we don't talk for a week. Then you get bored and need some love, then you are suddenly mad at me for no reason. Now we're bff's! Oh look, we accidentally just accidentally each other again. Guy, don't do this. This is a bad on so many levels. It's cute on a much smaller scale if I'm actually dating you. It is very to the maximum not cute when I've started thinking that you're awesome and then you are a different person every three days. You don't get to be crazy, that's a girl thing. You know that, I mean you say it all the time. Geez guy.
Please don't accidentally be in love with me. I get it, I was nice to you. I get that a lot of people are not nice. The deeper meaning is not that I'm in love with you, it's that I was nice to you. Stop that. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
You know that girl you are still completely in love with? She doesn't care what you're doing. There is a reason you are not with her right now. It's because she doesn't want to be with you and potentially also has some kind of restraining order. I know you're hurt and lonely and you want to move on, except that you secretly don't and would rather wallow in your own self-pity and obsess over her until an intervention takes place. The cure for this affliction is not to make a pass at me. I will show you sympathy and potentially do something stupid. Then I will become frustrated at your selfishness. After that, I will become confused. In my confusion, I may hurt myself, yourself or both of us. This is not a badge worth getting in such a context.
Do not tell me about your ex, or about how attractive my mate is, or about how hot every female without a moustache in a 50 kilometer radius is. You just instantly became a child in a man's body and a complete sleazebag, not to mention the friends you just lost for your behaviour that you will later be confused about when they stop answering your calls. People can see and hear you, guy.
And yes dude, I get that we're over. Please do not tell me how happy you are now without me, how wonderful your lovely new girlfriend is or hook up with that girl over there at this awkward party of a mutual friend and then make a point of telling me about it. I will walk away with her and make her my girlfriend for the night, and we both know your manhood won't be able to deal with that. Make like a normal guy, move on and get the girl without giving me a minute-by-minute rundown of it. Worse - for the sake of your own dignity, don't lean into me and tell me how many weights you press at the gym now. We're done here. Again, people can hear you.
Oh, and Mr.Guythatyouare, please don't feel that I'm off sleeping with Mr.I'msosorryIdon'tknowwhathappenedbutitwon'thappenagain, just because I do not answer your calls in a three-hour period. That has never, ever happened to me, I simply do not cheat. In order to quell your deepest fears, I have prepared a list of some of the more likely activities currently delaying my response:
- I am watching an embarrassing television series about feelings and teenage angst in my bedroom while eating something disgusting in an adult onesie and feel the need to simultaneously indulge my own bad taste and hide my shame from the world.
- I'm sitting on the internet reading about the newest way to create unique nail design while browsing eBay for things I can neither afford nor need.
- I'm asleep and super happy about it.
- I am frantically writing a last-minute essay because I spent the entire night between facebook and 4chan again.
- I am baking something and singing badly to 90's music that was bad when it came out, let alone now.
- The dog needs a wash and she has managed to cover herself in something so nasty that it surpasses the regular cuteness associated with doggy bath time.
- I'm reading some fiction book that I will forever deny all appreciation for.
- I'm blogging or drawing a picture while singing to myself with the bedroom door very much locked.
- I'm out with my friends, flinging myself into the ocean or possibly at a cinema or sporting event where phones do not naturally survive.
- I have suddenly remembered my great passion for personality-type theory and am spending hours alone in my room reading trash psychology.
I am not as crazy as you imagine. I am not your collection of batshit-insane exes. Please stop thinking that I'm going to trap you in a relationship and then immediately slap on the ring, pump out a bunch of kids and make a point of owning your ass and demanding to decide your every move. I don't want you to buy me things constantly because I say so. Further to this, my thought on flowers is that you have just bought me a pointless dead thing that I'll have to throw out and clean a vase for in a weeks' time. Save your money and take me go-karting or to the laser tag, we'll both enjoy that. I think your porn stash is funny and possibly relevant, not personally offensive. I'm not going to force any sort of organised religion down your throat. Stopping you from going out on the weekends is not on the agenda. Please, for all that is sacred, go out with your mates and have a good time. I want you to be happy when I see you, not weeping in a corner with no friends. My sole purpose in life is not to crush your spirit. I know that you have a way of finding the worst type of girl, but don't let that be your assumption of the next girl just because you're scared and hurt by the last idiot that didn't see what they had or did something otherwise as nasty.
I'll probably want to date you if I like you and see copious amounts of sex in our future. None of the previous paragraph is a part of that. My interests involve camping, fishing, cars, comedy and action shows, guitar, the beach, my friends, animal welfare, music and doing flips and shit. So long as you are loyal to me, don't leave unflushed urine in the toilet bowl, don't mistake me for your mother, maintain a relatively good level of personal hygiene, do plenty of dirty things to me on a regular basis and at least attempt to be nice to me once-in-a-while, we're golden.