Nov 4, 2017

Nausea

I may have pushed myself too hard today. Now I’m playing the fun game of try to pump your body full of electrolytes to stabilise your heart rate without throwing up. Fuck. Someone get me some ginger. This pretty much sucks.

Nov 2, 2017

WELP

God fucking dammit I officially have a crush. Why am I experiencing a feeling and how can I kill it with fire? So far I’ve tried drinking a scotch, to no avail. On the upside, there was scotch. Fuck.

Oct 29, 2017

Beautiful

I feel like I post so much doom and gloom in here. I don’t want to bother people irl with things that upset me and so I write. I want to share some good things too, because I’m rarely angry or sad, but when I am I tend to post in here. I’d been feeling kind of forgotten and sad and isolated because heaps of my friends have been sick or flat out since I moved, and I’ve spent a lot of time on bed rest wasting time thinking about it. Today was so nice. I was lucky to watch two of my close friends marry each other today in a lovely ceremony, and on top of that, the guy I’ve had a crush on for the best part of seven years was there and he’s single again. We have been meaning to date for years but always end up with someone else at the worst times. This is a little bit exciting! Either way he’s awesome and I got to catch up with him and a bunch of others I’ve really missed. It’s nice to be reminded that you’re not alone, it’s been a hard and isolating few months of illness. We are all already making plans for the next catch up. I’m just so happy for my friends today. What a beautiful day.

Oct 19, 2017

Fucking hell

Yeah, I just read through the past three months of posts. Holy shit. You can actually see through my writing that I’m falling the fuck apart, not sleeping, relying on sedatives to rest in between emotional breakdowns, and just hating myself more and more as the time wears on. Jesus fucking Christ. Well, I’m glad that’s over. Thanks for the almost heart attack wake up call body, I guess?

I would’ve walked into traffic if my heart hadn’t killed me first on that shit.

Misdiagnosis and three months of hell.

Things have been fucking hard. Ever feel like things are great when they are actually turning to shit? Yeah, try having a specialist misdiagnose you, pump you full of drugs, kill your mental health in the process, and nearly send you into cardiac arrest because he’s mistaken brain fog from the Hypermobility Syndrome you disclosed to him on day one for ADHD. My memory got worse. My focus got worse. I got super depressed. I didn’t get a good nights sleep in 3 months. Paramedics had to attend me because it turns out I wasn’t having panic attacks, I was losing my ability to move due to some fucked up catatonic state and having heart palpitations.

I haven’t been able to work, some days I haven’t been able to get out of bed. My resting heart rate still hasn’t fully recovered, but I’m at least no longer on those stupid meds, of which I was tried on two different ones before I pulled the plug and got referred to a better specialist. On top of that, my closest friend chose this moment to walk away from me for their own self-centred reasons. I have two words for you: stay gone. Maybe they aren’t sure who they are. JUSTIN, STAY GONE. I’d have never walked away from you during such a big time in life. I hope when you think about how quiet I went and if it was about you, that you also now think of the paramedics that were probably attending me at the time, the passing out, the vomiting from standing, and the inability to get out of bed I was going through.

If you EVER have a specialist tell you something is all in your head when you present with chronic fatigue symptoms and have a history of hypermobile joints and chronic pain, don’t let them touch you with drugs until they have checked your heart first. Things could’ve been much worse.

After dealing with a selfish cunt of a man walking out me on my birthday, getting golden staph, having my dog almost die and cost me $10,000 and then getting to a point where I was so severely fatigued that I was just working and sleeping, I let one specialist undermine my belief in myself and the first thing he thought he’d do was pump me full of amphetamines. I have never had worse focus, memory loss, and poor mental health than the three months that I was pumped full of vyvanse and dex. Having it end with paramedics and not undertakers was honestly just luck.

This is the last time that I ever let somebody try and dictate who I am to me. I know who the fuck I am. I am still embracing this year, fuck it. I’m alive. My dog is alive. I’m debt free. I’ve opened my own business. We got a fucking 42 foot yacht. Best of all, there were two absolute cunts in my life who were quite effectively kicking me while I was down with their own insecurities and chipping away at me for their own fucked up sexual gain. You can’t pay for how good it is to be rid of that toxic shit from your life. Also Matt, your beard was fucking rancid man.

If anyone needs me I’ll be with the people that stuck with me through thick and thin, and we’ll probably be popping bubbly on the open seas.....just so you can get the gossip right, you don’t have much else to talk about now. Xx


I’M FUCKING ALIVE! Despite all of this shit I’m alive. I’m gonna go celebrate, holy shit 2017.