My frustrations lie in my lack of ability to control emotion and impulse control in social contexts. As much as I might appear to be deliberately aggressive towards people, what's really going on is much more...well...I'm not sure if I should say complex or just worse. I'm not sure. I have no intention of hurting the people I care about at all. I end up emotionally hypersensitive and quick to respond with angry outbursts, with no understanding of the impact of what I'm doing at all.....until it's too late, I've hurt feelings, and I've lost someone I really cared about.
This is generally the point where I want to apologise, but am so scared that I'll just snap and hurt someone again that I withdraw entirely instead and start just absolutely hating myself. I also end up isolated, but the main thing I feel is just utter concern for the other person and self-blame. And sure, I can't help it, but I still just upset someone I really care about. That doesn't go away. And that's horrible. I feel horrible. Medication has absolutely knocked this symptom of my disorder for six, but at this point the friends that I have (I feel) neither know or care about that. So I'm at a really difficult point right now where I'm really not well and really need people around, I can actually be a decent friend to them for once, and nobody wants a bar of me. As a result I'm struggling just to get out of bed, feed my pets and wash my hair some days. In the last month, I've dropped 6 kilos unintentionally. Some of this is a medication side effect, most of it is due to the distress of isolation absolutely killing my motivation to feel hunger or much of anything else at all really, other than shame and misery. I know now that the emotional and impulsivity issues are being treated it will slowly get better, but this is literally my lowest point and on top of that I'm dealing with some pretty serious hate.
This video explains what is actually going on. And I'm sorry if you have felt like I was ever trying to deliberately hurt you, friends. Friends? Whatever you are now. All I ask is that if you do want to discuss me, involve me in the conversation. Being backstabbed and isolated is extremely hurtful and damaging to me. It's successfully dragging me further into depression during the first few weeks of my life where I can actually do anything about resolving these social issues.