Sep 5, 2017

Change and hard work

 I've spent the past few months working really hard and really not feeling at all fulfilled with what I've been sinking my time into. Support at work has left a lot to be desired, I've been working more hours than I'm paid to, and it's become very apparent that I don't agree with the direction that my job is taking me in. I've been relatively isolated at home too, it hasn't been the most wonderful combination of things.

I've made some huge life changes, as a result. It's scary to move away and take a risk to go in a totally new direction, but probably not as scary as stagnation. So, here we are. Here I go investing my time and savings in becoming self-made. Here I am moving house. Here I am about to leave a job with a company I've worked at for six years. Here's to the big, scary, exciting future ahead. Sometimes it really is time for a change.


Aug 27, 2017

Week from hell. Currently on the maximum dose of painkillers and sedatives I can take. Still in pain. Still awake. I hate being faced with the unknown. I just want to medicate until I'm out cold for like a day straight. Everything hurts and I can't relax. Please medicate me until the suffering stops. I can't deal with the demands on me right now and I've been in physical pain for days. Fuck all of this.

Knock me out until I'm dead if you have to, I'm sick of hurting.


Aug 22, 2017

Rough Patch

I've had a really challenging couple of days. Work has been making demands on me that go beyond my role and beyond what I think is fair, friends have been in and out of hospital, I've been having trouble sleeping, and I've been feeling very lonely. I've been taking on too much over the past couple of weeks, trying to be everything for everyone and letting myself down in the process. This month has seemed to be very calamity-ridden. Even when I saw my specialist yesterday, they were having a family emergency and had to leave. I felt that I should rush through things even in the time that is exclusively about focusing on my feelings and the improvement of my health, and it was something that couldn't really be helped. I don't expect people to be focused on me when they have loved ones being rushed to hospital. It was just very unfortunate timing, because I'd become burnt-out by yesterday, and this was my final place to go where I could try and improve that. Result: I took yesterday afternoon and today off, for myself.

Whenever I have a day like this, I go through so much self-hate and self-frustration to even make time for myself. I have to contend with not only being in a place where I can no longer cope, but being angry at myself for being there. I feel like it's not good enough. I guess it's not really something that I have a choice in. I do the best I can, and I need to accept that recognising when I need a break and actioning it is the best thing I can do to make sure that I keep being the supportive and happy person that is capable of not only helping others, but supporting myself. The past fortnight has seen me put in positions that would cause anyone to need a day off sick, so it's not something I'm going to just blindly allow myself to self-hate over, but it's where I naturally go and that is an exhausting challenge.

I need to stop staying up late at night every night to talk people through personal struggles, because after two weeks of 5 hours sleep a night, I'm not okay. I'm also not okay after two weeks of not scheduling any downtime that is just for me into my planning. Putting my needs first when I need to is an ongoing battle between my basic needs to function and my tattered self-worth. It's something that's difficult to see for what it is, because for so long I have protected myself by putting on this really strong facade of being a real hard-ass. I have to make a real effort to recognise my own needs as valid.

My time today has seen me thinking hard about relationships and loneliness and how I feel around others. A lot of the time I feel so worthless. So often I feel hated and unwanted. The other day I left a voicemail for someone where I gave them an opportunity to do something that I know is a really attractive prospect even beyond just the standard hanging out with a friend, and they didn't even bother to call back or say thank you. I felt like shit. I can't even be seen as someone that a person I like would be excited to hang out with if I dangle basically a solid gold carrot in front of them. I'm not even worth the text message. I have another mate who hasn't even bothered to talk to me in about three weeks, but continues to watch my every move on social media. I feel that people either use me for a source of entertainment, or go out of their way to avoid me. It really hurts. Beyond that, I'm getting really angry. I go so far out of my way for people, and at best sometimes I'm met with apathy. That's a really shitty way to treat people. I'm actually really pissed off about it. I'm so sick of others' disingenuous behaviours. I know that I have ADHD, but I really do go out of my way to be a good friend and make time for the people in my life. When people treat me as if I'm less than them and/or not worthy of their time or even acknowledgement, that's not something I've done wrong. That's just shitty behaviour.

I'll be honest, I'm fed up this week. I'm sad, and lonely, and sick of people treating me poorly. It's affected me so much that I'm off sick. I didn't ask to be different, I'm doing the best that I can, and I'm sick of being treated like a carnival attraction. I might have my challenges, but I still consider myself a complete and independent person who is worth something. Despite my challenges, I have strengths that go way beyond what some people believe I'm capable of, and I'm sick of feeling like I have to say that. I'm sick of feeling anxious to talk to people because it might end in yet another load of social exclusion that for some bone-headed reason people don't think I can't see. If you're going out of your way to create distance between us or doing some other less-than-favourable thing behind my back, believe me I can see it. I have always seen it. I'm just at a loss with what to do about it, while dealing with the hurt I've felt as a result of it, and trying not to blame myself based on who I am as a person for it. Just so anyone who has done this to me before knows, I absolutely care about you. I absolutely can see that I'm being excluded. The reason you don't hear about it until I'm really furious about it from my end is because until that time, I'm behind closed doors beating myself up for it.

I'm working hard on breaking these habits now. This is the sort of thing that I have attempted suicide over in the past and when I really look at it, it's a whole lot more about people being unaccepting and selfish than it is about me being not enough, or odd enough to be a source of entertainment. Having time to deal with these feelings is bittersweet. Today has given me a chance to process things, but I've also been on the verge of tears because I feel so isolated. Sometimes people really don't get me, and that's just a fact I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, while I try really hard not to lose my patience and make things worse by getting upset at others about it.

It just fucking sucks. I'd really like to feel like I was appreciated by more of the people I make an effort with. I make an effort with people because I genuinely care about them. Having people that you care about just kind-of shrug you off or politely avoid you (at best) is the sort of thing that slowly destroys you over the course of your life. I feel so lonely right now.

How do you chose between feeling isolated and being around people that make you feel alone? It fucking sucks. For what it's worth, I'm not putting this out there to shame or attack anyone, I just want someone to understand the absolute hell I'm feeling right now because I don't really know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm exhausted and I try really hard. I still feel really lonely far too often than is healthy. I don't want to end up depressed again. I don't want to lose my independence and become a burden on others because the loneliness and anxiety surrounding ADHD has got to me again. I'm sick of going it alone and I'm having a really hard day today. I feel like people just think I'm some asshole making excuses because I can be so bright and organised in short bursts, but I'm really lonely, and I'm really struggling here. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a little more hope. I didn't plan on spending the day away from work and in tears alone in my house.

Probably related*: https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-how-to-treat-it-alongside-adhd/

*MAOIs cause life-threatening, serious side-effects in me, trust me when I tell you I've been down that route.

Aug 16, 2017

Enough

Today I ran an hour and a half long meeting with people I not only respect, but look up to. Then I came home and my car registration bill had arrived. I was expecting it to arrive. I'd put the money aside already. I paid the bill before it even hit the fridge, and left a note on the bill so I knew it was paid, in case I forgot. Then I went to bed and cried, because for my entire adult life, every time my car registration was due it had come seemingly out of nowhere, almost made me homeless, and resulted in me borrowing money from others who would then attack me for not acting like an adult and angrily demand to know why I'd been so selfish and irresponsible with my money. Then I freaked out that I couldn't have done it, and that I must've forgotten to pay my rent, because there's no way I'd saved the money to pay my car registration. I've already paid my rent. This is the first time in my adult life that I've ever been able to pay my registration without being made to feel like an asshole, a failure, or that I've had a real risk of homelessness as a result of it.

I'm so overwhelmed right now. These are things that seem so simple to people around me, but they have made me hate myself and feel terrified of what might come of me for years. I hope this isn't fleeting. Please let this treatment be the one that keeps me capable of living a somewhat normal life without so much fear and self blame.

I guess things were pretty bad, when you cry over being able to focus enough to get your bills paid on time. I feel like I'm overjoyed and mourning the past 30 incredibly difficult years simultaneously.


Aug 15, 2017

Motivation

So this week I have learned that having a few drinks on a Sunday afternoon with friends not only makes me feel hungover for two days, but it partially writes off my medication. I feel like I got nothing done yesterday. I am super unmotivated today. I chased coffee with my medication and I swear to god, I could still go down for a three hour nap right now. I'm sad, moody and grumpy for no real reason. Suddenly eating nothing but junk food when I've been generally avoiding a lot of preservatives and over-the-top food additives for the past couple of months probably (definitely) didn't help either. It's Tuesday and I still feel like I'm dying, welp. I guess I have learned a lesson here, haha. Urgh.

I've been wondering whether or not to write here anymore, just because I'm a little uncomfortable about who some of the readers might be. I was put in a position by a friend where I felt really uncomfortable, set some boundaries and distanced myself, and now they've gone cold on me, which to be honest is probably for the best, at least for a while after how they behaved. My viewer stats on here fairly strongly suggest they're sitting on the sidelines reading this, yet they don't actually talk to me directly. The same thing was going on with snapchat, and I felt pretty gross about that so I weeded them out of there. I'm not sure, I mean I'd like to live my life without worrying about these things, but it' a little insidious. On top of that, I know the last long-term friend they had a falling out with is someone they talk really badly about now and that's uncomfortable. I mean that person might well be a bad person (or not, that's not the point here), but it takes a certain kind of person to go out of their way to talk badly every time they are brought up. It's a thought that is anxiety provoking when I already have enough to contend with socially. I think overall though, if people are going to stalk and then avoid me when it comes to direct communication, they will probably do that no matter what I do. That's their problem a lot more than mine. I'm enjoying writing in here and I think it's something constructive now that generally reminds me that on the whole I'm making positive steps forward, hanging around some pretty awesome people, and trying some pretty fun and creative things. For now it can stay. I don't want to spend an entire post focusing on this stuff, so I'm going to reflect on some more productive things now.

My leatherwork has become really streamlined, with a bit of consistent work. I can knock out a custom made bullet journal now in about an hour or two, and that's pretty good going, considering I'm hand cutting and punching the paper and leather. I'm really happy about having sourced this batch of leather from a resource recycling centre too. The quality is really good, and it's not a bad trade-off in terms of ethics. I mean sure, it's still coming from a cow, but it's offcuts that would've otherwise gone to waste, sourced from a not-for-profit organisation that positively impacts recycling capabilities in the local community. There's something wholesome about sourcing materials to create craft and art items from more renewable and local resources. I'm excited to see what else I can find.

My weekend was pretty good too. I'm still having pain issues due to the sublux in my SI joint and the other one that's playing up around one of the facet joints in my neck, but I only had one day where I really needed painkillers and rest. I managed to get to the boat on Saturday, and then catch up with an old friend and have a look at a house that evening. Things are slowly falling into place. Sunday was spent making new friends and celebrating old ones. One of the people at the surprise party that I threw put in a huge amount of effort with the birthday cake for my friend, and it was really nice to be around such a creative and caring group of people. In the past things have felt a little forced when I've hung around others that are creative and planning-focused. It's as if we've butted heads and been looking at the same challenges from completely different moral viewpoints. This time around, with this group of people, it just clicked. Things were peaceful and relaxed. I feel like that's a rare and valuable thing to have in your life, it was nice to feel a sense of inclusion and belonging. I think being firmer with people and pickier about who I'm hanging around is starting to pay off. It's a challenge to get the courage up to set boundaries, but it seems to be well worth it so far. I've spent far too many years of my life trying to please the wrong people.

Tomorrow I have a pretty exciting meeting to try and positively change the lives of university students by analysing and improving the way in which support is provided to them, with some pretty "up there" people. People keep asking me if I'm nervous, but I'm actually really excited. I don't think I really have much to lose coming from my current angle, and I have the potential to affect positive change that helps others. You can't really ask for much more than that. I really need to do a little more research, and prepare a little better for the meeting, so I think it's time for a shower and getting out of my morning work uniform. Medication and coffee is slowly but surely kicking in, by the time I'm out of the shower and dressed I'm hoping to be a powerhouse and get it done. I have just over three hours to get that together, apply for a few more jobs, do the mountain of folding I've been putting off, and feed the animals before I'm back to work again. I'm really keen for tomorrow, it's not often that I get a legitimate day off mid-week, and meeting with people who can really influence change on a large scale is an opportunity that I haven't had before. All because I took a chance and plucked up the courage to write a letter to someone high up, wanting to take my own tough experiences and turn them into something that helps others. I think I'd have been to anxious to try it before now, I've learned a lot about opportunity in taking a different approach this time.

I've also finally got back in touch with a very old friend this week, after far too long apart. A part of me was telling myself to stay angry and distance myself, but sometimes I will concede defeat on sticking to my convictions. I think in this case, accommodations can be made. Plus, I've really missed them. After my meeting I'll be dropping by to see them, and to be honest I think I'm more nervous about that than the meeting. It's been so long and so much has changed. I've had a lot of people lately that I just look at and ask "Why am I letting you into my life?" They're people I wouldn't have even thought that way about before now, but when you're not sick and exhausted all day every day, you can pick up on a lot more. I can reflect on how people make me feel now, and decide if those feelings are positive or negative things for my wellbeing. Seeing someone who is a huge part of my life and in some ways my identity now, after so much has happened, is daunting. Am I going to find a whole lot of red flags that I'd previously missed, or will it be okay? Will I get that closeness and sense of normality back with our friendship? These are things that are more likely to keep me up at night than business opportunities. It's probably counter-intuitive that that's the case, but it's just how I feel. Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm not a particularly "feely" person. Perhaps this is a rare case of me actually consciously giving my feelings credit, where usually I'd be more focused on the black-and-white. This is probably too far too much of a thought experiment for my blog. Time to continue these thoughts in the shower, and while getting on with my day. Hopefully I'll feel less ill tomorrow. Oh well, self-inflicted!

Please excuse all of the run-on sentences in this entry, it's been a bumpy couple of days and I'm pretty much getting everything down before it pops out of my head again.